As a claustrophobic epileptic, I've always found it hard to fit in.

I've tried and tried all day to spell diarrhea.
I give up, had to call it squits.

I was redecorating my room so I left my Friends DVDs across the way from my bed. I stacked my NME magazines on my bedside locker though.
Keep your Friends close and your NMEs closer.

I came second in the World Cat Shaving Championship.
I lost by a whisker.

SKY NEWS: Woman "Hid dead babies in cool boxes"
It must be a slow news day if Sky News are commenting on how nice the boxes were.

Went to a roller disco last night.
The music was great and I got a perm.

If a pair of shoes has 50% off, is it half price or buy one get one free?

I was on the net earlier.
I now have a life ban from my local Tennis Club.

I found a bomb in a pint of milk.
I just hope it doesn't go off.

My mate asked me what my best pickup line was?
I replied ''Cocaine''

I've just started a band called 'Voices Inside Your Head'.
You'll go crazy when you hear us.

I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

I have managed to give up smoking cold turkey.
I find it is better to cook and eat it.

I was in my local restaurant tonight & I ordered a steak.
The waiter said "Well done sir?"
I said "Thanks, it was nothing".

Daily Mail: "Teenage hairdresser dies in explosion after cigarette ignites hair bleach left in her car".
Probably the highlight of her week.

I drowned all my housemate's pet mice while he was at work.
No more Mr Mice guy.

I've just seen a hedgehog being thrown out of a pub.
He was spiking everybody's drinks.

When I wrote my self-help book for clumsy people, they were tripping over themselves to get a copy.

I got a faulty plug socket for my birthday.
I was shocked.

Got drunk last night and accidently spilt some beer all over this giant.
He was not a tall happy.

My dad left his job at The Sun because they keep printing bad fashion advice.
I told him to get with The Times.

Did you hear about the guy who ran naked through a crowded church? They caught him by the organ.

I was in the army once, and the Sergeant said to me "What does surrender mean?"
I said "..I give up!"

If a homeless man owns a dog, is it a stray?

My son had his face painted to look like a run down hotel.
Now he just sits there, looking vacant