I went to a swingers party last night in my army uniform
I had to leave my khakis in the bowl

A new book has just been released about Maddy - 'Still missing, still missed.' I'd suggest asking the bloke who took a photo of 'what she looks like now' - he seems to be in the know

What do you call a Sikh on a trampoline?
Boun-Singh

If there are any joiners out there looking for work, my door is always open.

I've just borrowed ten grand from a loan shark,
I'm not too worried about paying back it though, as long as I stay away from the Aquarium...

Some stutter and stammer sufferers are stuck at the start of this sentence.

Tottenham Hotspur have been beaten by the Kaizer Chiefs.
I predict a riot.

I asked the girl in the pet grooming shop out to dinner. She couldnt make it, she was washing her hare. That old chesnut.

What's the difference between a Captain and a Lieutenant Colonel?
There's a Major difference.

If you get caught stealing a clean slate, does it go on your record?

What do you call a women who sets fire to her mortgage bills ?
Bernadette.

Standing on top of this train wondering what these overhead lines do.
Then it struck me

My girlfriend bought me some camouflage boxer shorts today.
Looks like I'm going Commando.

"Legs" is the word of the day.
Why not come back to my house and spread the word.

I've just finished reading a magazine.
It was OK.

I came up with a way of getting coal out of the ground.
Hope no one else thinks of the same idea - it's mine.

I went to an Italian restaurant, and they had spaghetti on the menu.
So I had to call the waiter to wipe it off.

How much is 200 pounds in America?
Underweight.

I don't trust Dannii Minogue.
Her i's are too close together.

I've just got back from Rome, their TV is behind the times They don't even call it ITV +1 out there, they call it IITV.

The secrets of the baking industry are given out only on a knead to dough basis.

BBC news: Fire hits Oxfam warehouse in Huddersfield.
It must have been like bonfire night with all those flares going up.

There's something about the News of the World that I don't like, but I can't quite work out what it is.
It's been bugging me for a while.

I saw OCDC once.
They played all their hits in alphabetical order.

Earl Grey goes down very nicely in the afternoon.
According to Lady Grey.