In an attempt to make Wigan more cosmopolitan the council have set up an Urdu centre in the town.
Unfortunately the locals went in asking for a short, back and sides.

My daughter wanted a rocking horse for her birthday but I could only find one that sings pop.

Hovis have just launched their new Farm Mouse Whole Grain Loaf

Grimsby Town 0-2 Bath
Two tap ins, apparently.

I'm not finding it easy giving up lying.
It's quite hard to be honest.

I am undergoing surgery that could potentially turn me into a felt tip pen, I think I'll be fine.

I've become insecure of my manhood after my Jamaican wife said "I've smoked fatter joints than that."

I suggested to the wife that she had some Botox injections to smooth out the creases and wrinkles on her forehead.
But she just frowned upon the idea.

A synanym is a word you use in place of one you can't spell.
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Guess you need one for 'synonym' then.
He's got one, synanym.
Can't spell a word? Make up a synanym!

The kids at school used to make me wear a sticker to school telling everyone I was a geek.
The teachers never showed any interest until they started making me wear a swotsticker.

Is sandpaper rough?
Course.

Does anyone agree that 'The Sun' is rather specific whereas 'The Star' is more general?

I was thrown out of the World Arson Championships for match fixing.

After spending a night in a hotel I went to the reception desk.
The receptionist said, "Can I check you out sir?"
I said, "Go for it, I hope you like what you see".

I bought my son a Blow-up doll for his birthday.
Otherwise known as the Muslim Action man

I always refuse to cut corners.
Which is why I lost my job in carpentry.

I've got a job joining metal plates together...
...apparently it's riveting stuff!

A helicopter loses power over a remote Scottish island and makes an emergency landing. Luckily, there's a cottage nearby, so the pilot knocks on the door. "Is there a mechanic in the area?" he asks the woman who answered the door. She thinks for a minute. "No sir, but we do have a McArdle at number 15 and a McKay two streets away."

My doctor tells me I have a masturbation problem.
But i'm determined to beat it.. .

The Earl of Sandwich
The original Roll Model.

I loved carving wood when I was a whittle boy.

Prevention is better than cure, they say.
Not with bacon it isn't.

As a kid I learnt many knots whilst in the scouts.
My scout-master always said the most important was "Do NOT tell your parents!"

Oxo cubes are only a pound a pack.
I'm going to stock up.

I had to wipe my Computer's memory drive earlier...
...I came on it.