As my wife woke this morning, the first thing she said was, " How long you been up?"
I said, " About five minutes."
She said, " Take it out and get off, I've got to go to work."

I bought a fan belt today.
It keeps the top of my trousers cool.

If having three wives is polygamy and having two wives is bigamy, what is having one wife called?
Monotony.

When my wife was on her death bed I asked a priest to read her the last rites.
"Sorry Sir" he said, "Women have no rights."

I made some jelly in the shape of Barack Obama.
I wanted to set a president.

My mother-in-law suffered from terrible heart burn.
I stabbed her with a red hot poker.

Cannibals are so full of themselves.

The only time my wife makes me come is when dinner's ready

Apparently over two million toddlers are overweight in Britain.
I like to think of them as waddlers.

My neighbour isn't happy that I've taken up fencing.
Because It's his.

I'd advise you to never take my advice

This guy in the pub was trying to fill me in on his vast knowledge of German goalkeepers.
I didn't learn anything though, he should have explained in Lehmann terms.

In a lot of Greek legends, people are impregnated by animals, even though we now know this is a physical impossibility.
It was a common myth-conception.

If you would like to help with the restoration of our local jeweller's shop, please give us a ring.

I said to my mate the other day;
"My brother met a famous black rapper yesterday."
My mate replied;
"Did he?"
"No, it was Jay-Z."

My dog gave birth to 2 puppies tonight.
I don't want them though, so I've chucked them in the bin with the rest of the litter.

My daughter is being obsessively stalked by an engineer who works on rail and water bridges.
Why cantilever alone?

I thought Yosemite was a 'street' way to greet a Jew?

I almost got into a fight with my new neighbour, Neil Buchanan, after I spilt some rubbish on his lawn.
I apologised, and tried picking it up, but he just shouted "NO!"
He clearly wanted to make something out of it.

'coming to a cinema near you'
how do they know where i live?!

I've seen a lot of people dressed up as a couple of gangsters from the Eastend of London lately.
Must be some sort of new Krays.

Formica is much too good for Blackburn.
He has that top of the table quality...

Ever since I went on that helter-skelter I've been on a downward spiral.

Propaganda...is that when you have a good look at something ??

I get a real thrill out of training wild animals.
The hares stand up on the back of my neck.