So you're trying to convince me that I've turned into a non-metallic element? I wasn't boron yesterday

Nando's - The second best way to cover your fingers in a hot birds juices.

Hi there, don't panic, but I am in hospital after I poisoned myself. I occidentally ate what I thought was an onion, but was actually a daffodil bulb.
Doctors say I will be out in the Spring.

My wife has got a really cracking body.
She's riddled with arthritis.

Can anyone recommend me a good American sitcom set in a bar?
Cheers.

My mother-in-law suffered from terrible heart burn.
I stabbed her with a red hot poker.

A cruise ship has run aground off the coast of Italy?
That's a moor ey?

My mate called me up this morning.
Which is strange because my name's Abe.

I went to the zoo with my family today. Later on, I was watching the gorillas with my gran when they suddenly started mating!
It hurt at first but I think gran enjoyed it.

If you're not made of money, why does everything cost an arm and a leg?

Staff evacuated the Ann Summers shop in Glasgow yesterday after a bomb hoax. Probably the work of basque terrorists.

I spelt 'cripple' using one P while playing a game of scrabble last night.
Apparently it's an invalid word.

My little sister is going to be on big brother this Summer.
She doesn't yet know about it, but I'm not going to give her a choice.

My friend lost an arm to a snake-bite.
He had twelve pints of it and fell through a window.

There's an awkward time when girls don't want to use sanitary towels, but are too young to use tampons. So, I came up with the 'Tamtowel'.
It's filled a gap in the market.

I had a continental breakfast this morning.
Tyres taste disgusting.

The new Apple iPark holiday resort's a bit disappointing.
It only has one bar.

Solitude.
It's not for everyone.

After last night's fight, does anyone else want to give Harrison a smack?
Please form an Audley queue.

A lady knocked on my door earlier today and asked me if I was interested in donating 3 a month to help people without index fingers.
What a pointless charity.

My dad used to beat me until I was black and blue.
I wanted to be a Man Utd fan, but he said it was Inter Milan or nothing.

A scientist doing a large experiment with liquid chemicals was trying to solve a problem when he fell in and became part of the solution.

The first rule of telepathy club is

Why did the 'H' kill himself?
Because the Jihad

My mate thought it would be funny to tip a full bottle of Lucozade over my head earlier.
That's Original, I thought to myself.