What do you call someone who's always late for work?
Mr. Buss

BBC Sport: Chelsea win on penalties.
At last, a report that includes Terry scores with Lampard misses.

Sky news -
'Vast Gas Find May Bring Boom Time To Blackpool'
Especially if I can find my lighter...

Why did the neutrino cross the road?
To see itself on the other side.

I sued someone for copying my quantum luggage design once. It was an open-and-shut case.

I saw a label on a packet of that weird gel that said 'Do not Open, Ingest' I don't know why they think it would be funny.

Landmines.. Where do you stand on them?

There's this bloke who keeps birds of prey as a hobby. And he's vacuuming his house, but all the light bulbs have blown and so it's pitch black. Suddenly he has a flash of inspiration and decides to start a tribute act to an 80s electro-pop band.
Hawk Kestrel Man Hoovers In The Dark.

I made an amazing vegetarian dish today.
I used the top of the skull and gave it a purple glaze.

I went to a talent show the other night. The best act of the evening was VD.
He got 95 on the clapometer.

I walked into a bar and asked for a short.
I told the barman, who thinks he's a bit of a comedian, before you start, I'm not in the mood, so nothing funny.
He brought me Ronnie Corbett.

if you look at the sky tonight, the moon is going to be at its reddest tonight at 23.43.If you miss that you can also look up at 00.43 and catch it at Sky+1

My wife was going on at me the other day because of my ridiculous and unhealthy obsession with South American cities.
I told her to stop Medelin in my affairs.

File.
Proof that life is what you make of it.

Teacher: im sick and tired with you boy and im running out of patience!
Student: well sir, if your sick and tired, you should not be running.

The boss of the shop where I work criticised me for failing to clean the floor today.
I swept it under the carpet.

"I've told you before Jordan,i don't want to buy any of your kids,even if one is Harve Price"

Never leave your pet in a stolen vehicle,
remember, dogs die in hot cars.

I am horrified to hear about the countless deaths in Africa due to draughts.
What kind of sick board game rules are they playing

I had finished my main course when the waiter brought me a sweet
I must say, one jelly baby was rather disappointing.

I did a drunken Cheryl Cole yesterday.
The viewers booed me and told me this was the worst imitation they had ever seen.

I was told to do some data manipulation in work today.
I held the file to head height and whispered 'Your husbands cheating on you.'
Not sure if it worked though.

I've been seeing a girl from Hiroshima for the last three months.
You can say that it's a kind of radioactive dating.

I always wanted to be a traffic cop, but I didn't have the fine motor skills.

I joined up to an online dating site, and wrote on my bio "slim, auburn hair and really interesting'.
It sounds better than "skinny, ginger with a sleeping disorder".