I have spent the last few days in Amersham, a town in Buckinghamshire and had a great time.
It's just like Amsterdam, only with less STDs.

I couldn't afford to buy cotton so I decided to be abrasive, and steel wool...

No matter how much I plead, my wife flatly refuses to get a breast enlargement.

I wanted to get a power-gate for my drive.
But with gate power comes gate responsibility.

My computer keeps crashing.
Must be the driver.

Genetics has taught us one very important thing:
Every girl you meet is a double crosser.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

My girlfriend bought me a surprise gift, a 500 watt halogen bulb.
How brilliant is that?

My girlfriend bought me a surprise gift, a 500 watt halogen bulb.
How brilliant is that?

Upon being told I have a drinking problem I gave careful consideration and completely agree. I've two hands and only one mouth

I dialled a wrong number today.
I desperately needed an ambulance as my wife had collapsed but instead I rang Babestation.

It's time I turned flesym around...

As a last resort to shake off my cold, I locked myself in a large box and sat in there burning wood.
Two days later I was cured..

Breaking News:
The act of smashing up newspapers.

I'm in big trouble with the RSPCA after I uploaded my video version of "Whip my Hare" onto You Tube.

I had a huge slice of good luck yesterday, and it really annoyed my secretary.
It was her last day, and that was her cake.

This guy at work is always going on about his iPad, and is constantly shoving his iPhone 4 in my face. Today it all got too much; I threw them both on the floor and stamped on them.
How do you like them Apples?

Saw a sign saying "Free Range Eggs" earlier.
Never heard of 'Range Eggs' before, but at least they're free.

Saw this warning sign on a carrier bag
''To avoid suffocation, keep away from babies and children''
Murderers are getting soo young these days..

I sneezed really hard, and while I didn't break any bones, I did sustain some tissue damage.

"Doctor, my breathing is shallow. I can't take a big breath anymore. Do you think it's because of the medicine you gave me?"
"Probably, it can cause sigh defects."

Every time I mix beer and lemonade together I find I can't walk properly.
I think I must be shandycapped.

Isn't it funny how in the word 'alsatians' we can find 'asians'.
Yet we can find alsatians in asians too.

The war on arms is quite a scary thought, isn't it?
We're outnumbered 2 to 1

American humor
It just doesn't include u