BBC News - "Five-a-day will not cut cancer". It will for me...
...I'd normally smoke 40.

I turned 32 today.
It's now 23.

I was sat in traffic the other day...
I got ran over

This Sod guy must be pretty powerful..
Everybody knows about his law.

I wanted to work as a Wizard but I couldn't get the staff.

"I'd like to buy this chess set please"
"How will you be paying, sir?"
"Check mate"..

A woman spent 35 years working for Natwest bank. She was recently made redundant and hasn't coped very well. She now spends her days outside the branch using the ATM over and over again.
Doctors say she's just suffering from withdrawal symptoms

I've seen loads of music concerts for AIDS with Bono and Bob Geldof and Queen.
Why don't they just get The Cure?

I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member. I don't know how I get away with it.

I used to work on the factory floor.
Until the management told me I had to stand up.

My wife is upset because I didn't get her what she asked for, for her birthday
She said she wanted something that's electrical, that vibrates and brings waves of pleasure.
I got her the Ultimate Deluxe Rapid Fire X-Box 360 controller.

I got kicked out of my local record store after enquiring about a Coldplay song.
I only went in looking for Trouble.

I'm off camping later. Anyone know where I can get a pink feather boa?

Our local Dominoes has shut down. Not sure why, but can't help feeling that'll be the first of many.

My mate's lost his sense of touch... you've got to feel for him.

:If a robot does the robot is it still called the robot or is it just dancing?

There is a thin line between being fit and being fat.
That thin line being the letter "i"

Im getting a bit sick of eating boiled eggs with soldiers every morning.
I can't wait to leave the Army.

I wanted Cheryl Cole to have a Christmas no.1
On my face.

Thought Spurs had signed a new right-back but it turned out to be Hutton dressed as Lahm

Due to the cutbacks, I was made redundant from teaching at the deaf school.
The irony is, I still sign on Thursday.

What's the difference between a sewing machine and a female jogger?
A sewing machine's only got one bobbin

I'm involved in the illegal trading of large male deer.
It's big bucks.

The kids don't understand the sacrifices I make.
Every Sunday, I cut the throat of a goat.

I bought a dog whistle, but it's rubbish.
Whenever I put it in his mouth, he just starts dribbling.