The local nudist colony held an 80's night.
I came as a 12 inch single

BBC NEWS: "Internet is 'changing our memory.'"
I'd bet 100 cache it's had no influence on my thinking whatsoever.

I thought that my brain was leaking out, so I went for scan.
Turns out it was all in my head.

I just had a boxing match with a Star Wars character.
I won, Han's down.

I went to a phone shop to buy a new phone but ended up leaving with an African Chuckle Brother.
I think they must have thought I'd asked for a BlackBarry.

My wife is always looking for opportunities to put me down.
I think she's fed up with carrying me everywhere.

When I was a kid, my mum used to say, "if you ever swear, I'll wash your mouth out with soap!"
What a hypocrite! You should've heard the language when I bit her fingers off!

I've decided that I'm gonna be a Cartographer when I grow up......
I've got it all mapped out.

Its unfortunate for me that people see me as a lover not a fighter...
as I'm actually as much better fighter than I am a lover.
For one thing, the fights usually last longer...
...and also, I use my fists less.

Just been to Pizza Hut in Newcastle.
I had a Howaiiyan and she had a Whyaiian.

My mate has developed an addiction to drinking petrol.
I advised him to attend an AA meeting.

I did a tour of a cheese factory in Holland last week.
Apparently Edam is made backwards.

There's a mysterious never-ending hole in my back garden, and I don't know why.
I just cant get to the bottom of it...

I've been trying to establish my Mum's secret fajita recipe but it's proving very difficult.
It's being kept under wraps.

Being a one man orchestra can be quite nerve-racking.
I just have to compose myself.

I could talk about asphyxiation till I'm blue in the face.

When I left school I really wanted to become a locksmith. Unfortunately though I failed the entrance exam.

Cops stopping Hoodies in the street,searching them for knives.
Give it arrest.

Is it just me, or does hot weather always seem to bring out the breast in women?

I was on a ride at a funfair. One minute I was laughing my head off. Next I felt angry. Then I just became very sad.
Turns out I was on an emotional roller coaster.

"24 Stone man loses 240 pounds in 1 day!"
His gambling addiction was as bad as his eating disorder.

It is better to give than to receive...
Thats my prison motto.

I turned on my kettle earlier.
You know you're lowering your standards when you're reduced to arousing household appliances

I put a gimp mask onto a police animal. I was arrested for perverting the horse of justice.

News: 'Helium Girl's parents' - "we'll rise above cruel jokes"