Just saw two telekinetics have a major disagreement near where I live.
Then they thought to the death.

Getting annoyed by the cat's constant scratching.
Beginning to wish I hadn't taught it to DJ.

I grazed my shin today.
Tasted of hair.

My friend keeps setting fire to Belgian Detectives, he's a Poirotmaniac.

I'm working tonight at five to one.
1/7 says I call in sick.

I walked up to a farmer and asked him, "Why do you cut your maize-crops in the shape of a mythical horned-horse?"
"My unique corn is none of your business," he said.

My wife left be because of my addiction to paint sniffing. Needless to say, I was overcome with emulsion.

Anyone else find it ironic that Heather Mills married a legend?

What do you call an American with a condom on his head?
A posh yank.

I went to selfridges yesterday, was pretty good.
Sold 9 of them.

Saw Sarah Jessica Parker smoking the other day, so I rang the police.
Turns out it's not a horse pipe ban.

I was driving my bus when a group of kids at the back started taunting me and chanting "paedo" at me.
So I tossed them off.

I hate people who mix metaphors.
They're a real pain in the throat.

I've been selling flour to drug addicts in my Area lately.
It's a great way to make some Dough.

Can anyone tell me what concise means..please be short, brief and to the point

The inventor of the adjective is seriously ill in hospital.
Doctors have been unable to describe his condition.

I asked the barber to cut my hair 'round the back.
He said: "Why can't I do it here?"

My wife always has to have the last word, she's brilliant at scrabble.

Apparently the deepest place in the world is the Marianna Trench in the West Pacific, that's funny I thought the deepest place in the world was somewhere in Jordan.

I've just been round to the house of an old flame.
She'd gone out.

Lifts get me down sometimes.

My son picked me up at work today.
He's become a real show off since he started using steroids.

For future reference, please see a clairvoyant.

Being deaf sucks.
So I hear.

The girls' swim team has a new coach who thinks she knows everything.
Her name is Claire Buoyant.