My dad choked to death on a curry tonight after mocking the animals killed to make it.
Chicken Karma.

I bought my wife a camel-skin jacket for her birthday as a surprise.
She got the hump.

The police station has a giant photograph on the wall of me supposedly robbing a bank.
I didn't do it and, to make things worse, they've placed a huge wooden border around the picture.
I've been framed.

I was at my local garden centre today, and saw a sign saying 80% off garden gates.
It sounded too good to be true. I looked closely.
Where's the catch?

Deflation:
What a let down

I think I have a stalker.
Either that or my trousers are too tight.

Cleaners: Even through a recession their business is still picking up.

I just watched a video of this guy having his colon removed.
His keyboard will never be the same again.

I've just seen a man juggling 20 rowing boat paddles.
It was oar inspiring.

A lot of people are condemning Ashley Cole for shooting a student at point blank range, but in his defence, John Terry, Branislav Ivanovic and Jose Bosingwa.

Five years from now, are they going to have a Soviet Reunion?

Yahoo News : Plane catches fire on landing
How did they get it up the stairs in the first place?

I've got the eye of the tiger.
So now it just says 'tger.'

A guy walks up to a girl in a bar:
-"Please allow me to introduce myself... John Snow! Whats your name gorgeous?"
-"Summer"
-"How would you like to be on the front cover of tomorrows paper?"
-"How would that happen?"
-"I can already see the headlines... '10 inches of Snow in Summer'"

I just lost my job as a Psychic.
I didn't see that coming.

I saw a group of men protesting against slices of lemon in their soft drinks.
I don't think Fathers for just ice will take off

S E N S:
This doesn't quite make sense.

My New Years resolution went up in smoke last night.
Why's it so hard to stop being an arsonist?

Went to the cemetery earlier today to visit my late wife. The sun was out and the sky was blue.
Was a good mourning.

There are so many eastern europeans residing in London now that to make them feel at home I've taken to stealing the U , N and D out the middle of the Poundland signs.

Too many colours spoil the goth

Too many colours spoil the goth

I don't really know how to say thsi...

On sale now- The new Xbox 360.
Can't help but feel they're going round in circles.

I got mugged the other day, it's a hard life being a tea bag