I complained to the council that the street I live on has no name.
They said they'll address it at the next board meeting.

I did some stand-up at the farmers market.
I got mooed off stage.

My mate wants to launch an airline exclusively for fat people.
I thought, "That'll never get off the ground."

How long is a pool cue?
It depends what the weather's like.

A dad sees his son looking bored one day and says to him, "Why don't you go over the road and see how Old Mrs Brady is?".
After only a few minutes the son comes back and says to his dad, "Mrs Brady's very cross dad, she says it's none of your business how old she is.".

I used to work in Boots but ended up getting sacked.
My boss said they were unsuitable for being a lifeguard.

Asymptotes.
Can't touch this.

I've got all the names of the soldiers who came back from WWII as leg amputees...
It's the shinless list.

A can't believe my sister has fallen in love with a Paki. I know they say love is blind, but I thought her sense of smell would have kicked in.

I took over my mate's carousel business last month.
I've really turned it around.

Rowan Atkinson. What a has-bean.

I saw Hermione Granger and Ginny Weasley yesterday and said, 'You two are something very special!'
'Which is?' they asked.
'Correct.'

I'm going to court today charged with fisting an underage girl.
I'm not entirely responsible, although I did have a hand in it.

We found a really deep hole earlier and my mate asked, "Do you think there's water at the bottom?"
I said, "Well..."

I accidently put my vegetable shopping in the same bag as my electronics.
Now my Wii smells of asparagus.

What does it say on the sign above the entrance to Weston-super-Mare pier?
"Embers Only"

I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flour.
My teacher said I was the perfect roll model.

I look so depressed on the photographs I took with my bipolaroid camera.

Today I realised I really want to tie the knot with the missus.
Anyone know where I can find instructions for noose tying

The US treasury has confirmed it is closing one of its mints due to imperfections in the coinage.
I thought that it made perfect cents.

My mate rang me on my mobile today while I was sat right next to him.
It was a close call.

When Microsoft announced the release of Office 2010, I was a bit sceptical. But now that I have installed it I have a brand new Outlook.

My mate died of Aids after being sucked off by an African.
It was a fatal blow.

I hate erections.
They think they're so hard.

My sister is really into two things. 1. Exaggerating 2. Fat guys.
So really just blowing things out of proportion.