I really, really hate it when people repeat a word for emphasis.

I've just remembered the time I spilled kitchen cleaner over my shoulder.
That was a nasty flash back.

My girlfriend left me because I never spent a penny on her.
How was I to know she was into golden showers.

Everyone congratulated me last week for quitting smoking after 30 years.
My ex-colleagues at the fishery put on a great retirement party for me.

They say two heads are better than one.
Regardless, the royal mint rejected my coin design.

If your wife is foreign,
is it still considered domestic abuse?

I lost fifty quid on a fruit machine today.
Stupid really because it was never going to win the race.

They say an old dog can't learn new tricks. Clearly not true. I saw an interview with Vanessa Feltz only last week and she said she's learning French

There's a charity bike ride in London on 26th May next year for Leukaemia sufferers.
If I shave my head I think I have a good shot at winning this.

Doctors have just told they need to amputate boths my hands.
I'm not sure how i'll feel

What's the name of a woman who can keep a secret?
Chantelle.

My wife asked me what I thought about her breast reduction.
"Why can't we just have normal gravy instead of this Heston Blumenthal stuff?"

Some people are up in arms about changing the name of the capital of South Vietnam to Ho Chi Minh city. Not to mention other changes in the names of capital cities like Peking and Bombay.
But I just say, let Saigons be Saigons.

Joke from Trendell................
'Statistically, 13 out of 13 Triskaidekaphobics will be scared of this joke.'
Statistically, 13 out of 13 sickipedians googled 'Triskaidekaphobics'

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

My doctor told me I had O.C.D.
I put him right back in his place

These are strange times.
Eighty past four, half past fifty, ten to carrot.

Am I a loud dyslexic?
Not quiet.

Pause for thought: Should mountain goats be illegal?

What's the most famous underground river?
Phoenix.

I recently bought a Chinese Television.
It was called Terry.

My deceased brother received an award for cooking the best complemenary dish to pitta bread in a cylinder.
It was a post hummus award.

I lost my job in a nuclear power plant. Apparently my boss didn't get my e-mail about me taking a week off work to go fission.

BBC NEWS: "Man critical after grimsby square attack"
Apparently it happend in a night club, where a man was seen throwing shapes

My girlfriend makes a mean sandwich.
They are very average.