What mobile phone network does Luke Skywalker use?
Yodafone.

The few friends I do have keep asking me for money.
I've always been a loaner.

I invented a machine the other day which silently makes left handed tennis equipment
It must have had a malfunction though, it made a right raquet

Our housing estate has a small, resident ghost that helps out during hard times.
It's nice to have a little community spirit.

Why did the one legged clown leave the cheese circus?
Because he couldn't get his Stilton.

I had a round of golf with my entire family today and I must say we all did pretty well....
even Pa.

Just seen an advert on youtube, "Find a single Muslim.com"
I'm not sure though, online relationships like that can blow up in your face

Ryan Giggs is an amazing player.
He's not a bad footballer either.

My wife said she's getting fed up of my constant guitar puns.
I told her not to fret.

We don't have any vegetable jokes yet, so if you know one, lettuce know...

"You've only half finished the bathroom!" said the wife.
It was a few tile effort.

I used to work in a boomerang factory.
Returns department.

While out the other day in my new white shirt, the wind caused a dirty loose drainpipe to fall on me.
I was guttered.

Diamonds, Clubs and Spades walk into a bar.
How Heartless.

Sometimes I try to squeeze through cat flaps, but it hurts them so they start scratching.

I was on my lunch yesterday when I suddenly thought, I have just squashed my sandwiches.

My alarm went off this morning.
It still hasn't come back yet and I'm beginning to worry.

I could tell it was a monopoly board from the word go.

I saw Paul Simon yesterday.
I said "Hey Paul, what was that song you did in the 80's?"
"You can call me Al" he replied.
"OK Al, what was that song you did in the 80's?"

My sister wants to play Anne Frank in a theatre production.
She's always had lofty ambitions.

My mate said, "Imagine you didn't know the word for 'An undetermined or unspecified thing'!"
I thought, "Well... wouldn't that be something!"

I served a kid in the shop I work in today.
His dad took my tennis racket and phoned the police.

I was at the carousel at the airport and there was one piece of luggage left going round.
The guy next to me had lost something so I thought it might be his but apparently this wasn't the case.

I've been circuit training for three weeks now, and I still don't know what a diode is.

My mate said he was going to show me something really strange and unusual.
He handed me a part of a fishing rod.
I said, "What's unusual about that?"
He replied, "Surreal..."