What mobile phone network does Luke Skywalker use?
Yodafone.

The few friends I do have keep asking me for money.
I've always been a loaner.

I invented a machine the other day which silently makes left handed tennis equipment
It must have had a malfunction though, it made a right raquet

Our housing estate has a small, resident ghost that helps out during hard times.
It's nice to have a little community spirit.

Why did the one legged clown leave the cheese circus?
Because he couldn't get his Stilton.

I had a round of golf with my entire family today and I must say we all did pretty well....
even Pa.

Just seen an advert on youtube, "Find a single Muslim.com"
I'm not sure though, online relationships like that can blow up in your face

Ryan Giggs is an amazing player.
He's not a bad footballer either.

My wife said she's getting fed up of my constant guitar puns.
I told her not to fret.

We don't have any vegetable jokes yet, so if you know one, lettuce know...

"You've only half finished the bathroom!" said the wife.
It was a few tile effort.

I used to work in a boomerang factory.
Returns department.

While out the other day in my new white shirt, the wind caused a dirty loose drainpipe to fall on me.
I was guttered.

Diamonds, Clubs and Spades walk into a bar.
How Heartless.

Sometimes I try to squeeze through cat flaps, but it hurts them so they start scratching.

I was on my lunch yesterday when I suddenly thought, I have just squashed my sandwiches.

My alarm went off this morning.
It still hasn't come back yet and I'm beginning to worry.

I could tell it was a monopoly board from the word go.

I got served at a restaurant in France by this really weird looking waitress...
She gave me the crepes.

I've started going to a new church that's built on the burial site of the old paediatric hospital.
We pray on children.

I'm really looking forward to my corrective neck surgery

I've two friends called William Hill. What are the odds?

While on the tube, I saw a smartly dressed woman on her phone.
So I went up to her and said "there's no reception underground."
She looked at me blankly and said that she knew.
I replied "so stop pretending to be a receptionist and get back in the kitchen."

I bought a new chest freezer today.
My nipples are now constantly erect

My friend said he was going to create an invisibility cloak. I don't see it working though