I like getting hammered on Screwdrivers, just for the irony of it.

My Rolex broke while I recorded a film of myself brutally fisting my girlfriend.
Still, it's worth a watch.

I've just bought a sofa with three years free credit.
I'm going to save a fortune on my mobile phone bill.

Junkers posted:
Heres one for you.
1.
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If you liked that one, I think you'll like this one too.
1. 2.

Apparently Impotence is on the rise.

My wife's just told me about the disaster in Chile.
She ran out of kidney beans.

I've just killed a girl and then dumped her body in the sea just off the west coast of Norfolk.
I reckon that will come out in the wash...

I wrote to Match of the Day and warned them that I was going to try and murder Mark Lawrenson in August.
I won goal of the month.

I had a fight with Dracula last night and he punched me unconscious to the floor.
I was completely out for the Count.

At midnight last night, the sun came back up.
I'm not sure why I was eating newspapers in the first place.

I was going out with my wife yesterday, so she came out of her room in a dress and asked me how she looked.
I was trying to find the words to describe her, when suddenly, it came to me...
It wasn't pretty.

I saw Paul Simon yesterday.
I said "Hey Paul, what was that song you did in the 80's?"
"You can call me Al" he replied.
"OK Al, what was that song you did in the 80's?"

My sister wants to play Anne Frank in a theatre production.
She's always had lofty ambitions.

My mate said, "Imagine you didn't know the word for 'An undetermined or unspecified thing'!"
I thought, "Well... wouldn't that be something!"

I served a kid in the shop I work in today.
His dad took my tennis racket and phoned the police.

I was at the carousel at the airport and there was one piece of luggage left going round.
The guy next to me had lost something so I thought it might be his but apparently this wasn't the case.

I've been circuit training for three weeks now, and I still don't know what a diode is.

My mate said he was going to show me something really strange and unusual.
He handed me a part of a fishing rod.
I said, "What's unusual about that?"
He replied, "Surreal..."

My 12 year old son and I were arguing about the vertebral column today...
I told him never to talk back to me!

I bought myself some Bermuda shorts but they've disappeared.

Everywhere I look people are going on about this Messi hat-trick.
For a minute I thought Dawn French had suffered a 3rd miscarriage.

So Brown leaves...
That's odd, it's not even Autumn yet.

What's the worst thing about chicken drumsticks ?
When the beak bursts your snare drum...

Watching the beach volleyball just now. People try to put it down but it requires excellent hand-eye co-ordination... seemingly it's even harder when your playing it!

Acoustic : Instrument used in pool, snooker, billiards, men or woman.
Whatever turns you on!