My 12 year old son and I were arguing about the vertebral column today...
I told him never to talk back to me!

I bought myself some Bermuda shorts but they've disappeared.

Everywhere I look people are going on about this Messi hat-trick.
For a minute I thought Dawn French had suffered a 3rd miscarriage.

So Brown leaves...
That's odd, it's not even Autumn yet.

What's the worst thing about chicken drumsticks ?
When the beak bursts your snare drum...

I got served at a restaurant in France by this really weird looking waitress...
She gave me the crepes.

I've started going to a new church that's built on the burial site of the old paediatric hospital.
We pray on children.

I'm really looking forward to my corrective neck surgery

I've two friends called William Hill. What are the odds?

While on the tube, I saw a smartly dressed woman on her phone.
So I went up to her and said "there's no reception underground."
She looked at me blankly and said that she knew.
I replied "so stop pretending to be a receptionist and get back in the kitchen."

I bought a new chest freezer today.
My nipples are now constantly erect

My friend said he was going to create an invisibility cloak. I don't see it working though

I like getting hammered on Screwdrivers, just for the irony of it.

My Rolex broke while I recorded a film of myself brutally fisting my girlfriend.
Still, it's worth a watch.

I've just bought a sofa with three years free credit.
I'm going to save a fortune on my mobile phone bill.

Junkers posted:
Heres one for you.
1.
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If you liked that one, I think you'll like this one too.
1. 2.

Apparently Impotence is on the rise.

My wife's just told me about the disaster in Chile.
She ran out of kidney beans.

I've just killed a girl and then dumped her body in the sea just off the west coast of Norfolk.
I reckon that will come out in the wash...

I wrote to Match of the Day and warned them that I was going to try and murder Mark Lawrenson in August.
I won goal of the month.

I had a fight with Dracula last night and he punched me unconscious to the floor.
I was completely out for the Count.

At midnight last night, the sun came back up.
I'm not sure why I was eating newspapers in the first place.

I was going out with my wife yesterday, so she came out of her room in a dress and asked me how she looked.
I was trying to find the words to describe her, when suddenly, it came to me...
It wasn't pretty.

Watching the beach volleyball just now. People try to put it down but it requires excellent hand-eye co-ordination... seemingly it's even harder when your playing it!

Acoustic : Instrument used in pool, snooker, billiards, men or woman.
Whatever turns you on!