I am horrified to hear about the countless deaths in Africa due to draughts.
What kind of sick board game rules are they playing

I had finished my main course when the waiter brought me a sweet
I must say, one jelly baby was rather disappointing.

I did a drunken Cheryl Cole yesterday.
The viewers booed me and told me this was the worst imitation they had ever seen.

I was told to do some data manipulation in work today.
I held the file to head height and whispered 'Your husbands cheating on you.'
Not sure if it worked though.

I've been seeing a girl from Hiroshima for the last three months.
You can say that it's a kind of radioactive dating.

I always wanted to be a traffic cop, but I didn't have the fine motor skills.

I joined up to an online dating site, and wrote on my bio "slim, auburn hair and really interesting'.
It sounds better than "skinny, ginger with a sleeping disorder".

A bloke tried to arrest me for smashing up a coconut shy and punching the bloke in charge of the waltzers.
It was a fayre cop.

When deciding whether to permit the possession and use of marijuana, politicians should just think aloud.

I used to be a committed Christian.
The clinic was nice.

Doctor tell's me I've got Puzzle Disease.
Apparently I'm riddled with it.

The sea is a rough place. You have an anemone behind every rock.

My friend came round yesterday to see if I wanted to order any cheap toys or games as he was planning to go shoplifting from Hamleys.
I asked if he could steal me a strategic board game based on world domination, but he said that he wasn't prepared to take the risk.

My wife said to me, "You've put on loads of weight since I got throat cancer and lost my voice."
I said, "You can talk."

Great music teachers can be very instrumental.

I'm thinking about giving up my career as a Witch Doctor.
Since I opened the surgery, not one of those green hags have been in with an illness.

My new robot has dementia.
I think it's got a screw loose.

I was out shopping today when I thought I'd take a risk...
I would have taken a Monopoly but they sold out.

I just watched my dad smash up a sculpture I spent hours making him for his birthday.
It was art-breaking.

What did the kleptomaniac do the virgin florist?
He deflowered her.

What do you call a fake phone?
A phoney.

I've opened a new jean shop for fat women , its called 'over the edge'.

I used to be in a band called 'Domestic Violence'
We were a big hit in Scotland.

I tried to rob a bank yesterday.
I got all the way down to the side of the river, but I shat myself when the ducks started quacking.

The guy who invented the autocue died this week at the age of 91. When I found out I was speechless.