A bloke tried to arrest me for smashing up a coconut shy and punching the bloke in charge of the waltzers.
It was a fayre cop.

When deciding whether to permit the possession and use of marijuana, politicians should just think aloud.

I used to be a committed Christian.
The clinic was nice.

I'm trying to teach my son how to read the time without using a clock but still having no luck.
I guess it takes time to do it.

Although the export of vegetables has currently been banned due to the risk of E.Coli, people living near Germany should still be wary of Border.Coli.

In my job,there are a lot of cons,but being able to abuse the pros more than makes up for it.
I really love being a copper.

My ex left me because of my obsession with 'The Lion King'
It's not my fault that my urge to sing 'In The Jungle' is just a whim away.

Yahoo News - "Teen Shot Dead In South London Is Named"
And I thought I had a bad name.

I took this Chinese girl home last night called tien tee
She was dynamite in the bedroom

Jeff Goldblum is pretty fly for a white guy.

Doctor tell's me I've got Puzzle Disease.
Apparently I'm riddled with it.

The sea is a rough place. You have an anemone behind every rock.

My friend came round yesterday to see if I wanted to order any cheap toys or games as he was planning to go shoplifting from Hamleys.
I asked if he could steal me a strategic board game based on world domination, but he said that he wasn't prepared to take the risk.

My wife said to me, "You've put on loads of weight since I got throat cancer and lost my voice."
I said, "You can talk."

Great music teachers can be very instrumental.

I'm thinking about giving up my career as a Witch Doctor.
Since I opened the surgery, not one of those green hags have been in with an illness.

My new robot has dementia.
I think it's got a screw loose.

I was out shopping today when I thought I'd take a risk...
I would have taken a Monopoly but they sold out.

I just watched my dad smash up a sculpture I spent hours making him for his birthday.
It was art-breaking.

What did the kleptomaniac do the virgin florist?
He deflowered her.

What do you call a fake phone?
A phoney.

I've opened a new jean shop for fat women , its called 'over the edge'.

I used to be in a band called 'Domestic Violence'
We were a big hit in Scotland.

I tried to rob a bank yesterday.
I got all the way down to the side of the river, but I shat myself when the ducks started quacking.

The guy who invented the autocue died this week at the age of 91. When I found out I was speechless.