I think it's time to try my hand at fisting.

I walked past a kid the other day wearing a shirt advertising thebobbymoorefund.
I don't know what a bobbymoo refund is but I want one.

Teacher: "Esrayriah,can you say your name backwards?"
Esrayriah:"No miss"

Sculpturing...
It's hard to get your head round.

Orange and Apple will make a great pear for the iPhone.

I found an odd sock in the wash.
It asked me if I could wear it on my head.

I went to watch the new movie "Little Children" at the cinema today.
I changed my facebook status to "Brb Watching Little Children".
Didn't go down too well.

OK so today I got an old copy of The Sun, I cut out a picture of Ricky Hatton and stuck it to my TV screen.
I've been watching for about an hour now and I gotta say I'm really not impressed with this paper view boxing.

I've got the memory of an elephant.
Mainly peanuts and the slaughter of my parents for ivory.

I have a mock exam tomorrow. Everybody's going to stand around, pointing and laughing at me whilst I take a test.

He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot."
"I'll take that as a condiment" I said.

I was at a party the other night and joined the que for the fruit punch. Everybody was waiting their turn without any pushing in or impolite behaviour whatsoever. I thought, "Finally! A decent punchline!"

In the news: 9 out of 10 Americans believe that in every 10 people, 1 American will always disagree with the other nine

Someone once told me that the camera adds 10lbs.
Which is why I didn't pack it in my suitcase.

I once set up a charity match of my football team against a team of Big Issue sellers. We won, but then we did have the home advantage.

I got arrested for making a lot of counterfeit money in the 70's and 80's.
In hindsight I should probably have stuck to existing denominations.

Just taken my Arabic A level.
I got an *A.

How far do racist marathoners have to run?
Only 3 k's.

Jedward are living proof that two half-wits don't make a wit.

After a week in jail, I broke out. What's the best cure for acne?

Atoms are what makes us all matter.

Statistically 2 in 1 people are obese.

I read a headline that said 'Man, 65 shot dead in Turkey'
I thought 'Dude, that's a lot of people'

A man walked into a bar, and all the customers patted him on the backside.
"What sort of place is this," he yelled at the barman.
" A tapas bar."

My allergy to dairy products is ruining my life and I've decided to end it all.
I'm going to take a cloverdose.