The club sandwich, because sometimes a knuckle sandwich just isn't enough.

My girlfriend came to me and said, "I've missed two periods, what shall we do?"
I said, "You'll just have to ask for extra homework."

Just had a strange gypo at the door dressed like an ancient Egyptian offering me some lucky herbs.
Turned out to be a thyme traveller.

Despite his recent indescretions Tiger Woods never lied to his wife. Whenever she asked where he was going he simply said "To play a round!"

I'm being forced to live my life in the gutter.
It's actually quite comfy really, until people start bowling.

I have just won 'Vodafone Employee Of The Month'
I'm chuffed but I didn't quite get the reception that I thought I would,

I know a woman called Sue Tickle who works in our local chemist.
We call her farmer.

I received some chain mail through the post last week.
I am now better equipped than the British army.

My mate did a free fall the other day.
His parachute didn't open, so he didn't pay.

My girlfriend keepes telling me to get a haircut because she says I've got a mop head
Which is ironic because she has a bucket

My girlfriend wouldn't let me post myself in the mail.
I was so angry, I stamped my feet.

Today I heard on the news that there was a spillage of syrup on the motorway. It makes a change from the usual jams.

If I told you I wasn't sitting I'd be lying.

I was asked to understudy for a Play, so I didn't read it.

While the pessimist, optimist and realist argued over the merits of the cup, I drank the water.
-The Opportunist

I bought a train ticket and the driver said, "Eurostar."
I said, "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin?"
Still, at least it's comfortable on Eurostar, it's murder on the Orient Express...

My phone rang today, but when I picked it up, all I could hear from the other end was someone shouting; "Ice cube, snow, blizzard, air conditioning"
I hate cold callers.

I heard a bloke singing, "Do... Re... Mi..." the other day.
I thought to myself, "He'll go Far."

As a one-off, my local pub was selling burgers from a kiosk on bonfire night. Needless to say I got food poisoning.
Mum always used warned me about one night stands.

I've just started a new job in a restaurant and last night I was waiting on tables outside for four hours.
Eventually it opened and I could start my shift.

I took my girlfriend on the most perfect date. We had a champagne picnic at a secluded park at sunset. The drink was flowing, I had her favourite strawberries, I got on one knee and asked her to be my wife and she said yes! Staring at her new diamond ring, she lent in and whispered "Could this moment ever get anymore special?"
So I got up and started walking about like a spaz.

Lampposts, now that's right up my street.

I've got a short story about my bed.
I made it myself.

I've just took the wife out for dinner.
I'll have her later, she's got to defrost first.

I'm the manager of a female football team. Each one has lost their husband.
'Widows 11' was my idea.