I wanted to propose to my girlfriend over the phone.
So I gave her a ring.

Dim or bright lightbulbs?
Watts the difference.

To cheer up the homeless i mailed them some of my favorite jokes ........ they didn't get them!

Are these bulbs heavy?
No
Must be light bulbs then!

'I' before 'E' except after 'C'.
My Neighbours run a Foreign Freight train company, and last week all Their stock was Seized by this Weird customs officer, he was Feisty guy, I reckon he was on those Weight gain Protein drinks, that or he just injected it into his Veins; well me and him shared a Budweiser each, and he told me that mnemonic devices devised to help students remember how to spell certain words in the English language can be misleading.
But I was to busy looking in my Kaleidoscope to pay attention.
********************************************************************
Surely it is the height of folly to write things like this.
Although you may deign to disagree.

Imagine a world where everyone constantly thought up elaborate fictional situations and discussed them as if they were real. Hypothetically speaking of course.

BBC NEWS: Police to give bikes to ex-offenders.
Won't this just make the cycle of crime worse?

I broke into my neighbours house and took a bath.
I gave myself a hernia getting it down the stairs.

My wife and I asked our son what he would like to do for his birthday, he said, "I'd love to see U2 in concert."
In his dreams, neither of us can sing.

I've started a support group for people who are depressed about their weight.
It's mainly whining and dining.

I'm not saying my wife is fat but when she sings, it stops.

I just hit a woman in my car.
I told my wife not to change the radio station.

I pledged a pound for charity earlier.
They said it was the shiniest quid they'd ever seen.

I talked a man out of jumping from a building once. I said "Mate, its not worth it!"
He replied "Dont lecture me!"
"I'm not," I said, "I just don't think this building's high enough."

Neither me or my friend understand probability...
...what are the chances?

A girl just shouted me over on the beach.
She said, "Hey gorgeous it's really hot how do you like the idea of standing there and wafting me down?"
I replied, "To be honest love, I'm not a fan."

I'd call your mum a "fulthy butch", if I was U.

I was in the car with my dad with the radio on, and he played a really interesting song
But then we crashed and he dropped his guitar

My grandfather was awarded a medal for bravery in the field.
He fought off two youths who were trying to steal his tractor.

I got my wife some lovely Junipers today as an early christmas present.
The Rabbi at the local synogogue will be furious when he finds out I've kidnapped his children though.

"When I grow up I want to be a tree." said my adopted Chinese daughter.
"Don't be a sap Ling" I replied.

From now on I'm only going to eat Kinder Eggs.
I'm fed up with the Mean Eggs.

I asked my son how do you spell ASDA?
His answer was "ASQDA."
I said "There's no Q in ASDA"
He replied.... "There's always a Queue in ASDA!"

I was in a bar with the wife the other day and said to the barman. "i'll have a lager and can you do an oj for my wife?"
So he took her out back and knifed her to death.

My mate came up with another meaning for the word 'excellent'
It was very good.