My daughter won't stop drawing pictures of clouds and suns on her belly.
I'm sick of feeling under the weather.

My wife just called to say she's in Mayfair.
I said. " Are you shopping?"
She said." No, page 67, Readers Wives."

I had an argument with my mate at a poker game last night, he ended up hitting me with 51 cards right in the face but I went one better, I decked him.

Sonny Gibson must be spinning in his grave.

My friend bet me 20 quid that I couldn't finish my dessert in less than 20 seconds.
It was a piece of cake.

What do you call a fly in striped pajamas?
A wanna bee.

I went clay pigeon shooting with my friend Paul
I couldn't believe how many people knew him, they were calling his name out all day long.

My wife's parking is unparalelled.

My mates say my girlfriend looks like a horse. I don't think we'll be together furlong.

Nan's always carried a bowl in her handbag full of vodka, lemonade and fruit and woe betide anyone who tries to take it from her.
She doesn't half pack a punch.

Necessity is the mother of invention. But who's the father? Find out on Jeremy Kyle tomorrow!

BBC news: US tornadoes kill more than 350 people.
Those American pilots are getting worse.

There is a conspiracy between Kate McCann and the Sun newspaper..
For the real truth I think she should take a look in the Mirror..

Sherlock Holmes turned to Dr Watson and announced: "The murderer lives in the house with the yellow door."
"Good grief, Holmes," said Watson, "How on earth did you deduce that?"
"It's a lemon entry, my dear Watson."

My girlfriend says I am blessed downstairs.
To be fair, I do have a 40 inch screen, xbox, cinema surround sound and a ps3 so she does have a point.

I'm going wherever the mood takes me tonight.
I've told her she can decide where we go out.

My wife's leaving me due to my obsession with Cadbury's chocolates.
Let's have a celebration.

So we were seeing who's laptop could burn a disc the fastest.
It was a disc race.

I've fallen in love with a fellow ventriloquist's doll.
But she's already spoken for.

Having a joke about the Olympics or current affairs is one thing..
But making fun of someone's stillborn child has really set the Barlow.

I'm getting sick of the government saying they will put a cap on the number of Immigrants coming into Britain to work.
As if we don't give them enough already without supplying them with head attire.

The Dyslexic samurai warrior has a way with sword.

I broke the law yesterday.
Now everyone is free to do what they want

I only play with my spastic son when the internet isn't working.
I call it down-time.

I walked into the shop the other day when i noticed the Paki woman behind the counter had a 50 pound note stuck to her forehead.
She said she had been caught speeding and got an on the spot fine.