I've just been caught trying to smuggle twelve cases of fortified wine in to the country,
I'm worried I might be deported.

I was in the supermarket earlier today looking to buy some salted peanuts, but all they had was unsalted.
I mean, thats just plain nuts.

What do you mean masturbation is a sin?
I do it once a day religiously

I had to go to court for illegally gambling with luggage.
I won my case.

I'm always thinking one step ahead.
Sort of like a carpenter.
That makes stairs.

Last night I broke into 9 houses and destroyed all their kitchen roll...
Say what you want about me but you have to respect my skills as a Bounty Hunter...

When I was at school, people used to throw gold bars at me.
I was the victim of bullion.

Man is not an Island.
Yes it is.

This weather is brilliant.
I much prefer it to this whether.

My new job is going well as a settee tester
I thought i'd have a few problems settling in, but sofa so good.

I saw this car driving towards a pigeon when all of a sudden it flew away.
I thought, "That's a weird thing for a car to do."

All these teenagers around the UK calling themselves 'The Swindon Crew' or 'The Stoke Crew'.
Anyone spared a thought for the poor lads in Crewe?

My wife's just put the kettle on.
She has some very strange costumes.

My granddad downed a German bomber in WW2.
They had some crazy names for drinks in those days.

I accidently put my phone in the fridge yesterday.
Been getting cold calls ever since.

For sail: wind

A report claims that 1 in 10 Women wear dirty knickers.
Not sure I believe that statistic. Smells a bit fishy to me.

I've written a book about all the exam results of the Ireland goalkeeper.
It's called 50 Grades of Shay.

My wireless internet recently got kidnapped
We had a strong connection but I have no lead to go on

I tried to build a house out of walnuts, but it turns out you also need floornuts and roofnuts

What is the definition of propaganda.
It's a male goose with good etiquette.

American News:
"Hundreds Attend Trainer's Funeral"
That must have been one comfy shoe.

Did you hear about the clown with Diarrhoea?
He kept making funny faeces....

"I visited those botanical gardens at the weekend"
"Kew?"
"No, just went straight in"

I swept this random woman off her feet today.
She did'nt see me coming with my brush.