I've just been caught trying to smuggle twelve cases of fortified wine in to the country,
I'm worried I might be deported.

I was in the supermarket earlier today looking to buy some salted peanuts, but all they had was unsalted.
I mean, thats just plain nuts.

What do you mean masturbation is a sin?
I do it once a day religiously

I had to go to court for illegally gambling with luggage.
I won my case.

I'm always thinking one step ahead.
Sort of like a carpenter.
That makes stairs.

Last night I broke into 9 houses and destroyed all their kitchen roll...
Say what you want about me but you have to respect my skills as a Bounty Hunter...

When I was at school, people used to throw gold bars at me.
I was the victim of bullion.

Man is not an Island.
Yes it is.

This weather is brilliant.
I much prefer it to this whether.

My new job is going well as a settee tester
I thought i'd have a few problems settling in, but sofa so good.

I saw this car driving towards a pigeon when all of a sudden it flew away.
I thought, "That's a weird thing for a car to do."

All these teenagers around the UK calling themselves 'The Swindon Crew' or 'The Stoke Crew'.
Anyone spared a thought for the poor lads in Crewe?

My wife's just put the kettle on.
She has some very strange costumes.

My granddad downed a German bomber in WW2.
They had some crazy names for drinks in those days.

I accidently put my phone in the fridge yesterday.
Been getting cold calls ever since.

For sail: wind

A report claims that 1 in 10 Women wear dirty knickers.
Not sure I believe that statistic. Smells a bit fishy to me.

I've written a book about all the exam results of the Ireland goalkeeper.
It's called 50 Grades of Shay.

My wireless internet recently got kidnapped
We had a strong connection but I have no lead to go on

I tried to build a house out of walnuts, but it turns out you also need floornuts and roofnuts

What is the definition of propaganda.
It's a male goose with good etiquette.

American News:
"Hundreds Attend Trainer's Funeral"
That must have been one comfy shoe.

The BBC are making a programme where you can cash in on marijuana that you grow yourself, at various back street cannabis factories around the UK.
Hash in the Attic.

Nothing worse than doing a long shift then realising there's a Caps Lock.

What are the odds of me landing on a question mark in Monopoly?
Well, considering I never play the game, no Chance.