I just fired a shotgun at my wife.
She went up the wall.

My mum said, "If there was a record for you being clumsy, you should have it!"
I said, "Yeah, I broke it."

I've had to leave my girlfriend because of her obsession with Daniel Craig.
It's a shame... There was a bond between us.

A crowd gathered in town today when a jumper was spotted up on a ledge.
It turned out to be a cardigan.

I've been adding CH3 groups to ghosts all day and I've ended up with a load of methylated spirits.

I've been really down in the dumps lately. So I thought I'd cheer myself up by making a nice cheese and pickle sandwich. But when I picked up the jar of Branston it said "reject if depressed", so now I'm off to take an overdose.

What did the exhausted deer say as she staggered out of the forest?
"That's the last time I'm doing that for ten bucks."

I was arrested the other day for having indecent images of French feet on my computer. Apparently piedophilia is a crime.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack.
One hat says to the other, "You stay here, I'll go on a head."

The council had been re-surfacing our road when the spastic kid from next door got his wheelchair stuck in the tarmac.
The next thing we knew he was re-tarred.

Every time I fall asleep I keep seeing horses.
I think it's nightmares.

Chatting up a bird last night and she asked me what I was like in bed.
"I'm like life" I said.
"what, like a box of chocolates?" she giggled "I never know what I'm gonna get?"
"No. Too short."

What has a turkey and my wife got in common?
Neither of them know yet that they are going to get a good fisting over my kitchen sink next week.

I murdered my teacher with a protractor...
I'm being done for 1st, 2nd and 3rd degree murder.

Just went into the local hairdressers.
Sat in there for 20 minutes trying to decide what to have in the end i just left.
Im going to have to mullet over

Now I've split up with my girlfriend, I'm back on the market.
"Roll up ladies and gentlemen, my ex's used underwear, two for a tenner"

I'm disgusted by the German word for big.
It's gross.

Did you hear about the clown with Diarrhoea?
He kept making funny faeces....

"I visited those botanical gardens at the weekend"
"Kew?"
"No, just went straight in"

I swept this random woman off her feet today.
She did'nt see me coming with my brush.

My dad hit the dog with his slippers, I dont know whats worse,
Him hitting the dog, Or the dog having slippers.

Just started dating a comedian, Can't see it lasting very long,
She's started being funny.

I threw a paper clip at the new woman in my office and it stuck to the side of her head.
I think she's attractive.

I've had a problem with my filing cabinet recently.
I think its sorted now.

Last night, i walked in on my nan getting changed, and its an image that will stay with me forever...
5 megapixel camera phone