When I was playing with my little model car, my mate said it would be much better if it was remote controlled.
'Alright, no need to get RC with me,' I replied

I received a letter in the post from my gas and electric company asking for my meter readings.
I phoned them up and said "Well it's 100cm, of course."

My campaign against gypsies occupying my allotment is Losing Ground.

"Dr, Dr. I've swallowed a chickpea, I think I might die".
"Sorry sir, I can't find a pulse".

Went to Hyde Park the other day. Difficult to achieve with something so big.

It is a well known fact that eventually, birthdays kill us.
Especially when a stick of dynamite is used instead of a candle.

A Friend of mine said he could turn Wood into cotton,
Turned out to be a fabrication.

After my girlfriend dumped me my mother told me there's plenty more fish in the sea.
To cheer myself up I went swimming and ended up pulling a mussel.

I draw the line at vomit jokes, they're just sick.

Bigamy..Like the real me, but taller.

For a big man I was surprised to learn Arnold Schwarzenegger didn't like rats.
The Vermin hater.

I'm starting to regret buying my wife a bodywarmer for Christmas.
The house stinks now, and the maggots are pouring out of her.

I've got a lovely recipe for a fish stew made with pollock and dog fish. It's the dog's pollocks.

I saw a sign this morning that said ''turn right''
and I thought to myself
''that's odd, a talking sign''

I started a job sorting prosthetic limbs recently.
It was hard to find my feet at first until I started wearing shoes.

I decided to raise money for my friend who is never sure of anything
I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt

Cross a librarian and a lawyer and what do you get?
All the information you want, except you can't understand it.

I started work in a woollen mill but soon realised that it was a very close knit community.

I think that my daughter is becoming sick.
She just doesn't seem to be settling well in my stomach.

Just wrote a story about a bloke that drank a pint of Boddingtons and spewed up.
It's a rough draught.

I got pulled up after being caught red handed driving whilst talking on my mobile.
"I saw you on your phone," the policeman said "If you admit it, I'll let you go!"....
"Okay fair cop"

I got pulled up after being caught red handed driving whilst talking on my mobile.
"I saw you on your phone," the policeman said "If you admit it, I'll let you go!"....
"Okay fair cop"

What did the i say to the !?
"Wish I could do a handstand."

My local bookies generates electricity using an Irishman running in a hamster wheel.
Its Paddypower

When I tell people my job has something to do with PR, technically I'm telling the truth.
Can't let them know I work In SPAR now can I?