I'm sick off these Osama jokes now.
In fact, this website has bin laden with them.

Everytime I visit my psychologist he's a little shorter?
Guess that's why he's called a shrink.

Got to work this morning to find antlers growing out of my head. I must have used too much moose this morning.

"Ronseal - It does exactly what it says on the tin"
Sounds like a failed condom company to me.

Sky news
'Insomnia support group headquarters burnt down in arson attack'
The support group leader has said 'None of us will sleep until the culprits are found'

My son said that the teacher had made him wear a hat made out of a piece of paper.
"Foolscap," I said.
"No," he replied, "it was more pointy with a big 'D' on it."

As a scientist, people keep asking me "When is the end of the world?"
"After the D," I reply.

Philistine: A person lacking in or hostile to culture.
How can an entire civilisation lack culture?

I'm a big fan of tie-dye, or "kidnapping and murder", as the police call it.

After leaving the pub I was driving through the countryside when a really cute deer ran in front of my car. I thought to myself "A few more beers and I'd hit that".

Knowledge is power. France is Bacon.

Today some homeless bloke approached me and said,''Do you have any idea what sleeping rough feels like?''
So I said,''I do mate.Last night I had two 10oz steaks right before I went to bed.''

If you smoke in a smoking jacket, and you sleep in a sleeping bag, what do you do in a windbreaker?

I fell asleep the other day... And then woke up when I hit the ground.

I've been revising conceptual schemes so hard, my heads full of them.

I was working round the clock painting today, but then I thought I should do the rest of the wall

I invite my old mate Gary round for a drink, after a couple of pints he went to the bathroom, and a few minutes later my daughter ran downstairs screaming and rubbing her head
I said "Don't cry, it's only Glitter in your hair"

Sky News : 'Four Roma children die in Italian camp blaze'.
When asked what a Roma was, the spokesman said....
"Sort of like burnt pork".

I've been out of work for quite some time now.
That's why my boss has threatened to sack me.

I bought some hard drugs today.
It took me ages to open the foil and when I did I got smack in the face.

When my wife died I hit the bottle,
which was nice because I then had a cuddly toy to remember my great day at the carnival by.

I saw a Greenpeace poster today simply with a stunning picture and a caption: 'Killer Whale'...
I've no problem helping out charity but I'm not buying a harpoon out of my own money.

BBC News - "Baby Killer's Sentence Increased"
If he's killing as a baby, I'm predicting genocide by the time he's 20.

My mate brought some magic mushrooms round last night.
They were amazing. They pulled a rabbit out of a hat and sawed my missus in half.

I told my wife I'd take a bullet for her, and she told me she'd take a thousand for me...
So I sent her into an ammo shop with a swag bag and a balaclava.