I'm disgusted by the German word for big.
It's gross.

I've just deserted my wife.
I slapped her with a chocolate gateau.

Roman Numerals - Turning HIV into a High Five!

I bought a telescope so I could see stars more clearly, but there's too much in the way to get a proper look.
Mostly skirts and knickers.

My mate was telling me how his boat only does one mile an hour.
I said, "Surely knot."

My wife doesn't believe me when I tell her I'm not cheating on her and that I love her. Apparently doing it via skype from her sister's bedroom is 'pushing it.'

I recently opened a website called Battleships.com.
It had a few hits but then it sank.

I'm so diabetic I can't even talk to lollipop ladies.

Ten people die every year from Tiger attacks.
Join the movement,
Tony 2012

I've noticed that chess players always close doors behind them. It must be cause they don't like draughts...

I've just spent 2 hours on the phone comforting my friend who got dumped and I think I've been really helpful.
But Vodafone's taken all the credit.

"Have you heard the joke about no and me neither?"
"No?"
"Me neither."

I think my wife is having an affair with a guy called Darren.
I overheard her telling a friend she loves the smell of Daz in her knickers.

Miss Piggy just asked me to marry her but I couldn't Kermit

If your pants are on fire, lying isn't the most important thing.

I went to the magic circle to apply to train as a magician and they gave me a form to fill in,
I gave up after a few minutes, it was full of trick questions...

I have to stop biting my nails.. I'm running out of things to hang my pictures with.

Walkers have made all these crisp flavours for the new football season. They've named them after premiership greats such as Smokey Beckham.
I hope David Seaman doesn't get his own flavour...

Why did the Kings of Leon use a trombone?
Their sax was on fire.

My surname is Double-barrelled,
My name is John Double-barrelled

I was invited to a party the other day. On the invite it said, "Look Smart".
I turned up in a lab coat holding a test tube.

I'm setting up my own fruit and veg stall. I spotted a gap in the market.

Me and my mates used to have great jobs holding up overhead electricity lines.
That is, until the poles came over and took all our jobs.

The new Nintendo 3Ds doesn't work with only one eye open. Looks like they're really cracking down on pirates now.

If you get a transfusion from Taiwan does that mean you always get Taipei blood?