My girlfriend told me she wants to tie the knot.
I'm glad she wasn't interested in kids either.

Deep Purple UK tour ...
Why on earth would anyone want to follow my wife's vibrators around the country ?

I want patience....... And i want it now!

Before a Paki woman get's married, does she have a Hindu?

Alexander Fleming broke the mould when he discovered Penicillin.

How do you spell: Potato?
If GH can stand for P as in Hiccough
If OUGH can stand for O as in Dough
If PHTH can stand for T as in Phthisis
If EIGH can stand for A as in Neighbor
If TTE can stand for T as in Gazette
If EAU can stand for O as in Plateau
Then the correct way to spell POTATO should be: "GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU"

Did you hear the story about the mechanic that thought he was a surgeon?
It's heart-wrenching stuff

A British soldier has been taken out by a marksman in Iraq.
They're real romantics those snipers, aren't they.

Do you know what floats Jay-Z's boat?
Buoyancy.

The Mayor of Elms town was knighted recently.
Does this make him the Knight Mayor of Elms streets?

A thanks to the inventors of the Stationery Cupboard,
Well you wouldn't like it if it moved.

I took part in a cannibal cookery contest yestery and was trouncing the opposition.
In fact, I was steaming a head.

I work at an employment agency for people with disabilities. I received this letter today -
"H , my name s rcky and am blnd"
Poor guy can't use his I's.

I would learn to play guitar, but there are too many strings attached.

I fell out with the wife last night and she kicked me out of the bedroom.
I still slept like a log though.
In the toilet.

I had a wet dream.
I fell asleep in the bath.

Went to Birmingham at the weekend because my friend said it was good for depression.
He was right.... I got it.

I dont do jokes about the Spanish........... no way Jose!

The teacher asked my son, "What's another word for incorrect?"
His answer was wrong.

I just had a shower so good it made me wet

I've just joined a club for people who get partially aroused while thinking about their houses.
I've got a semi.

I'm joining a club tomorrow where I'm not allowed to turn around.
I'm looking forward to it.

Italics are a bit forward aren't they?

I went on a date with a Librarian,
She called me stupid,
I only asked her where Libraria was.

I was watching Lady GaGa with a huge erection
If that's not proof I don't know what is