I've just taken my new tennis racket out the wrapper to find its missing all its strings. It's my own fault really, the shopkeeper said they have a 'no returns' policy.

What's a Quark?
The noise a posh duck makes.

My Dad is a closet racist.
He can't stand the mahogany ones.

I told a girl I was looking for the one. She replied, "Aren't we all!"
I didn't realise so many people had broken calculators.

My mate said his doctor told him that he is unable to run anymore marathons as one of his legs is shorter than the other.
I have exactly the opposite of this problem, One of my legs is longer than the other..

Hitler loved children to be fair.

My little sister asked me what she should get for unzipping.
I told her a fiver was pretty reasonable.
In the end, she used WinZip. And stopped talking to me

The best thing about having a daughter called Nadia is that during school sports day, and in front of other young children, I get to shout at the top of my voice ''Go Nads!'

I got caught shoplifting yesterday in Claire's accessories
I normally wear Karen's.

I had my Playstation Network details stolen but luckily my friends and family were there to console me.

My friend just had a go at me for not letting him finish his sentence.
That's the last time I help someone break out of prison.

There's a new foreign guy who's just started at work, who all the girls are going mad for.
I went up to the office fatty, and asked "So, do you fancy Emile?"
The tubby cow said, "Well, I've just eaten a McDonald's, but yeah, why not?"

We used to have a chocolate Labrador.
One day, it licked itself and died.

I've been awarded an honorary degree. I'm now the proud owner of 68 Fahrenheit.

I don't think there will ever be an edible version of scrabble.
Having said that, someone will probably go away now and make me eat my words.

My doctor told me that I need to lose about 7 pounds.
So he gave me a prescription.

I don't know what the big deal is with this 2009 going on 2010.
I experience this every night, by looking at my clock.

I've been secretly flashing at schoolgirls in Epping Forest.
They can't see the wood for the trees.

At my daughter's fifth birthday party, she really wanted to play Pin The Tail On The Donkey.
It took a lot of negotiating to get Emile Heskey for the day, so I hope she appreciated it.

Apparently I'm a chauvinistic pig for buying my wife a dishwasher.
All right, the dish-washer may be 15 and likes to dress in a bikini but I was only trying to do my wife a favour.

I'm sick and tired of people making fun of my weight, I think I might just cut myself......
Another slice of this delicious looking cheesecake.

A preposition is a word that you shouldn't end a sentence
with.

My mate kicked off in a house full of cannabis.
He wrecked the joint.

They told me straight away at the interview that I wasn't suitable for the job.
"You haven't had any experience in the restaurant business as a Sous Chef, have you?" they said.
"How could you tell?" I asked.
"Well," came the reply, "the eagle feathers and warpaint."

They say you shouldn't look directly at the sun.
Which is why I always read it over someone eles's shoulder.