BBC News: France ban burkhas.
I hope they don't ban chicken nuggets and fries too.

....Everyday I'm shuffling!
perhaps these shoes are too big.

I'm developing a complex formula that reduces 4 letter words to just 2.
Its good to go at the moment.

I've just read a book on the best use for a skip.
It was rubbish.

I've always wanted to work in a colliery, but can't see it happening now.
Never mined.

I haven't quite finished my new book.
'The A to R of laziness'

I sold my last house on ebay.
I wouldn't advise it though. Nearly all the money I made went on postage.

I had a very confusing time when I tried to buy a Wii in France.

I'd like to die by being decapitated in a head-on collision, just for the irony of it.

I turned round to this gorgeous blonde at the bar and whispered, "I have a Monster in my pants."
"Oh, big is it?" she flirted.
"Yeah," I responded. "Co-Op only had the 500ml cans."

A German walks in to a bar and is amazed.
It was a wunderbar.

I always get my girlfriend a new watch for her birthday.
There's no present like the time.

Tests have shown that dead skin can be used for skinning up a joint.
Bob Marley must be rolling in his grave.

My wife is an alcoholic with OCD.
She only drinks whisky neat.

Einstein said E=MC2
For me E=A great night out.

I'm tired of not sleeping.

My wife is always getting on at me because I don't take the bins out.
I finally gave in. I got some strange looks at the pub though.

At work, they told me I was getting a new supervisor.
I can't wait! Will it make me look like cyclops from X-Men?

I recently joined a team of forensic detectives.
I feel I can identify with them.

I'll always remember, when my wife gave birth, there was at least four hours of pushing.
Turns out I had to PULL the door into the maternity ward.

A musically talented friend of mine has recently died. He was struck by lightning.
It's such a shame... He was a great conductor.

I've turned my back on the missus, after she suggested using the vibrator on me.

What have a car and a naked woman at Glastonbury got in common?
Mudflaps.

Eating at this new Hitler-themed breakfast place, Luftwaffles.

I went on a course the other day on how to complain effectively.
It was that good, I got my money back.