Invited my Indian mate over for lunch with my family yesterday, when suddenly my mum turned to him and said:
'Mohammed?'
'Mum!', I shouted, 'you know that's not his name you racist!'
'Yes,' she replied, 'I was just asking Ed if he would like some more ham.'

Red panties at night, husbands' delight.
Red sheets in the morning, husbands take warning.

My wife accused me of ripping a piece off a poster advertising the local visually impaired school.
I didn't take a blind bit of notice.

If you are part of the solution, you've been sitting in the bath for too long.

These new spider silk pyjamas are great, except the flies keep getting stuck.

My Wife said she wanted a night on the tiles, so I made her sleep in the kitchen.

I've been suffering from depression so I went to see the doctor. He suggested that I upgrade my e-mail programme.
It's really improved my Outlook.

I heard that there's a charity which makes money by getting people to sponsor their members to freefall out of an aeroplane.
They sent me a letter asking me to become a member.
I'm not falling for it.

How do you get a druggie into bed?
With E's

My wife accused me of loving my computer more than I love her.
It's hardly surprising; every so often my computer goes down on me.

I've said it before and I'll say it again.
It.

I hate it when people put unnecessary add-ons at the end of words.
It really winds me up to the maximumness.

This addiction to sandpaper is starting to wear me down...

Me and the missus are just eating our stew.
She still hasn't noticed he's missing.

I've just started going out with a girl who believes she was abducted by aliens. It's amazing.
It means she's gullible and up for some probing.

The flash git next door is building a conservatory, he's made the mistake of leaving the blue prints out. I'm going to cover them in aluminium.
That'll foil his plan.

Today I got stopped by 3 different charity collectors in the street. By the time I got to the 3rd one, I said to them, 'do you people think I'm MADE of excuses?'

I'm a big fan of Bee Gees and I also like cooking Chinese food.
Well, you can tell by the way I use my wok.

I agree it was silly idea to stand on top of a crane to protest at the treatment of the animals at our local zoo.
There were other less endangered species I could have stood on.

I stopped at the BP to pump up my tyres and noticed that the price was now 30p!
Oh well, that's inflation for you I suppose.

I got food poisoning the other day.
I haven't used it yet.

This is a great time to buy a new thermometer.
They're much lower at this time of the year.

The missus wanted a green jumper for Christmas.
So I bought her a frog.

"Why did you quit your job?"
"Because of the long hours"
"Really?"
"Yeah, some of them were 70 or 80 minutes long"

My wifes weight may have ballooned to 28 stone since she had kids, but I still loved her and she meant the world to me.
Sadly she suffered a fatal heart attack last week while she was performing a reverse cowboy.
I was crushed.