Whenever I'm out on a boat, I have to wrap a white towel around my head.
I suffer from Sea Sikhness.

Elitism.
It's not for everybody.

So is Beth Ditto's real name Beth Beth?

I was going on a road trip with my two mates both called Tom.
When I got into the car I said "I take it you know where we're going?"

I attacked someone with a bread knife today.
A metal one would've been more effective.

I started my new job on a casualty ward yesterday. An emergency patient came in. The doctor checked him over before saying, "I need 50 milligrammes of morphine, STAT!"
I gave him the morphine and said, "Bobby Charlton is England's top goalscorer, with 49 goals.

I don't use my power for good or evil.
Mainly, I use it to watch TV, microwave food, and charge my phone.

My next door neighbour confronted me at my front door this morning in her underwear.
She wanted to know why I was wearing it.

Isn't it ironic that Rangers have been saved by Green and Whyte.

I was at the pub with my mate and I asked him what's his favorite drink.
"Shloer" He replied
So I repeated it in a drunken voice.

Our local water authority's said that there could be a hosepipe ban if we have a warm summer.
I'm not worried... I've had a 24 foot long tap installed!

I turned my lover on last night.
But the batteries had run out.

As a Private Detective I always carry with me a piece of thin paper and a pencil.
It always come in handy if I have to trace somebody.

There used to be a paper shop at the end of my road, but it blew away.

I don't believe in any of this suggestibility stuff, I'm off for a giraffe.

Found out my girlfriend has crabs last night.
Not the best pets but at least they don't need walking.

Two and a Half men Used to be such a slick well polished show but these days it's just lost its Sheen...

I came down the stairs this morning.
My wife was angry and asked me to clear it up.

BBC news: 20 million of rare diamonds stolen while in transit overnight.
That's a bit stupid, I don't even keep power tools in my van overnight.

I was locked in a room with a PC and forced to play default Windows games the other day.
It was solitaire confinement.

Mediocrities, the lesser successful brother of Socrates.

I always get my wife the same two things on our anniversary.
An excuse and an apology.

Digging tunnels.
It's boring work if you ask me.

What do you get if you cross a newsreader and a board game?
Natasha Kerplunksky

My wife has always said that she can see a resemblance of my father in me.
But when she came home early yesterday, she saw a little bit of me in our son.