I couldn't figure out how to fasten my seatbelt.
Then it clicked.

My girlfriend had an awful accident today.
He was ginger and weighed 6 pounds 9 ounces.

When I was a child my parents made me and my brother live in the bonnet of their car,
life was tough growing up in the hood.

I knew I bought a dodgy DVD player when it started playing up.
Which was weird, considering I haven't even got it on DVD.

Daily Mail: 'Man killed by clothes horse'
Should have gone to hanger management.

My new girlfriend found the small forest I'd made to create a battle scene for my Warhammer figures.
I said, "Well this is Ork Wood".

Laura Robson is bringing a whole new meaning to the phrase '15 love'.

I've just watched my dyslexic son searching for 'Horn Pub' on google.
He's not even old enough to drink.

BBC NEWS : Pub stabbing man dies in hospital
This should teach him not to go around stabbing pubs.

I got a nasty shock today and nearly died.
My wife flashed before my eyes.

To get this joke, you have to have a connection to the internet.

The other day I saw a sign: "For Sale - Battery Powered Dynamos - 99p"
I'll be honest, I thought it was a wind up.

My friend and I met a girl in a club last night.
We asked her if she was up for a spit roast.
She was very keen on the idea.
Right up until we tried to stuff an apple in her mouth.

I just clocked this guy acting suspiciously outside my house.
It was an unusual choice of weapon.

I've finally got my wife to do that thing a lot of men can only fantasise about.
Leave.

I keep dropping things.
It's getting out of hand.

I got the Next catalogue this morning, I wouldn't mind but I haven't had the first one yet

In The News: "Cillit Bang buy's out Durex"
Because nothing says Wear a condom quite like Barry Scott...

BBC NEWS: 'Paedophile Father Christmas charges dropped'
Apparently there's a Claus in his contract.

You can hear a pin drop in my house sometimes.
I had a bowling alley installed in the kitchen.

I had to take the wife to the garden centre today.
It's exactly 18 feet from the house and 8 feet from the neighbours fence and where we put up our washing line. Silly cow

Last night I discovered the meaning of life.
It was under my bed alongside The Holy Grail and The Life of Brian.

I saw some tap dancing last night.
That's the last time I take L.S.D.

"I am, therefore I think."
Or am I putting Descartes before the horse?

Cant remember the name of the thing you use to shake flour through
Ive got a memory like a sieve