Apparently a Jewish woman has thrown out a mattress that was stuffed with $1,000,000.
No wonder they are all looking down in the dumps.

I haven't slept in days!
Good thing I can sleep at night.

I found out my wife was seeing other men.
Stabbing her in the eyes soon put a stop to that.

Some reports came in last night about an illegal child peep show...
I'll look into it.

Don't you just hate it when you and a mate wear the same fragrance.
Joop-licate.

I held the door open for a beautiful young woman earlier today and said, "After you my dear."
I was really proud of myself.
She said, "Ahhh, thank-you. It's not often you find such a gentleman in today's World."
I replied, "Oh nonsense! No no no no, what I meant was... I'm after you."

I want to thank my mate, who looked up "Agglomeration" for me in the dictionary.
It means a lot.

After his 9.58 seconds 100m finish, many claimed Usain Bolt had used performance enhancing drugs.
I wouldn't be surprised given his track record.

My friend: My grandmother just died. It's really shocking. I just thought she'd keep living until she was 100.
Me: Were you close?
My Friend: She was 94, so i wasn't far off.

I was walking along the beach when a hot blonde bird caught my eye.
Women shouldn't be messing around with fishing equipment.

I've been bored recently so I've decided to take up fencing.
The neighbours say they will call the police unless I put it back.

I love Silence...
well, that goes without saying.

I asked my missus to get a thick sliced loaf from the shop but she came back with a medium.
I don't care if she can talk to the dead, that's not going to be much use to me in the morning when I want some toast.

I was eating out my girlfriend before when I thought: " A bowl would be a lot easier."

Every month I give money to William Shatner, William G Stewart, William Hague and William Clinton.
That's the main reason I keep working.
I've got Bills to pay.

People who lose pound coins down the backs of sofas - I feel for them.

A world without bears would be unbearable.

I just tried to find the Nihilism website, but all that came up was "Page does not exist"

My girlfriend isn't very good in the bedroom department.
One of the many reasons why she got sacked from Debenhams.

I got stung by a bee yesterday.
20 for a jar of honey!
Outrageous.

I've been depressed, normally I do a crossword every day but lately I haven't, too down.

I started a parachute course then I fell out with my instructor.

Lopsided Christmas trees.
I cant stand them.

My mate told me to try sticking a propellor and motor to my forehead the other day, and I have to say, I'm a huge fan.

BBC News:
'George Cross for Army bomb heroes'
Bit harsh being angry at the heroic soldiers?