Last night, my wife rang me to pick her and her two friends up after they got caught in a sudden downpour whilst walking home from weight-watchers.
As I drove up, they all stood there, dripping wet and shivering.
"So" I said, "what did you learn about tonight?....saturated fats."
They didn't answer me.

I was just watching the 100m highlights on the telly, when I realised how much I hate other races.

I was renting my house from a family of herbs,
I missed a few payments and they sent the bay leafs round.

I tried raping this really fit girl the other day.
I must have been chasing her for a good 20 minutes and she still managed to outrun me.

BBC News: Councils facing rubbish mountains.
So, more like big hills then.

My wife turned 39 today, so I gave her a card.
One more and she's off.

I like to tell people i'm a big shot and that i've got my own private jet. What i don't tell them is that my mum owns the rest of the hot tub.

BBC News: A man was left with serious head injuries after he was attacked by a busy road.
Police have arrested the M25.

I'm going to give my mother in law a frosty reception at her birthday party tonight.
It was only fifty pounds to hire Tony the Tiger.

Just witnessed a young child on all fours,pushing a ball down the pathway.
So I kicked it, then stole his ball.

I was playing a game of Pictionary and it was my turn. My card said 'A type of ammunition'.
I drew a blank.

BBC News: Should we stop Eastern immigration?
Lets see what the polls have to say.

Similes; what are they like?

Went to the chip shop last night, the guy asked me if I wanted large or small chips.
I said I'd have some of each.

My mate's sister has just been round and fitted a new gas meter. It's great, but when he said, "My sister works for the gas board, do you wanna meter?" I think I got the wrong idea!

I just got down with my Gran and started locking, body poppin and head spinning.
She collapsed in a crumpled heap on the floor and started to cry.
Turns out she just had a hip op.

This afternoon I am going to recreate famous scenes from "Raiders of the Lost Ark".
Right, who wants to get the ball rolling?

No.....no Google image search, i didn't mean "little girls funny lips"

The other day i was at a restaurant and a waiter challenged me to a rap battle
I got served

I over heard my old nan telling my mum that she wishes she could tumble dry.
So as a surprise when she got out of the bath I pushed her down the stairs.

Glue or sellotape?
I'll stick with glue thanks.

I saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons earlier.
Must be going through a tough period in her life.

I never ever put my wife down
I have a very weak jab

Mality mality mality mality. That's the formalities over with

The age of consent in England was set around 1890. Personally, I think that's way too high.