I just heard that Jazz legend "Lena Horne" died.
Going home to prop my saxophone against the wall in her Honour.

As an animal thief specialising in large cats, I take prides in my work.

Just found out my wife, after promising not to, has been selling kitchen utensils behind my back. I've been de-sieved by her.

News -
'Prince Maezrk of Kenya to be executed within 24 hours'
Oh well, Heir today gone tomorrow.

This Sunday is not mother's day. It's my day. Like every other Son-day.

Some people complain about their job, but as a baggage handler, the world is my oyster...
I've just been locked in the hold.

The wife told me I was boring in bed.
Carpentry really has no place in the bedroom.

My girlfirend asked me which side of the rowing boat I wanted to sit.
Either Or?

I just found out I'm schizophrenic
I hate myself for it

Be easy on inexperienced swimmers, you don't want to go throwing them in at the deep end.

Sky news -
'Schoolboy's Death: Did Damilola Die In Vain?'
I'm not sure, but he definitely died in pain.

Just returned home from the lads annual Egyptian fishing holiday
it wasn't our greatest year mind
One of the lads came home legless and i didn't get a single bite.

My best mate doesn't know how to take a joke.
He always ends up getting sued by Gary Delaney.

So there I was, watching my wife stripping as quickly as she could, when I couldn't help but wonder...
If she isn't careful she's going to damage to plasterboard underneath the wallpaper.

What do amputee's want for christmas?
Stocking fillers.

My mate's just bought Inferno on DVD. I asked if he could burn me a copy.

I remember mid April last year, sitting down in the hairdressers as they added bleach blonde streaks into my hair.
For me, that was the highlight of 2010.

My Dad worships the God of The Sun.
Kelvin Mackenzie.

Bosnakeots;
There's a snake in my boots!

I can't stop thinking about the Alhambra Palace in Granada. Very Moorish.

My best mate and his partner are expecting a baby. Earlier saying how disorganised they were and all the things they need to get it.
"What type of mobile should we get it?" Said his partner.
I suggested a Sony Ericcson.

Top Tip? Mine's probably felt.

I'd tell you who works here, but it's personnel.

What do Craig David and Will Young have in common?
They both ask to be filled in.

When my heavy wallet fell out of my pocket the other day I felt like I'd lost a few pounds.