These new stalker laws are so complicated.
I just can't follow them.

I was at the sperm bank and the receptionist asked me what I thought of the place.
"What can I say?" I replied. "I love coming here!"

Whenever I try to sneak to the toilet in the middle of the night, I always end up with wet feet.
One of my floorboards has a creek in it.

What do you call 22 mushrooms playing football.
The Champignon League.

I find it easier to sleep in my little brothers room in this hot weather because its cooler.
He's got a racing car bed and a lava lamp

My one year old lamb is starting to look rather sheepish.

My mates called me last night asking if I wanted to go over, have a few beers, play on the PS3 and smoke a few joints. Sounded like a good idea so I grabbed my keys, got a few joints ready then drove over there. We had a few beers then went out to his shed to smoke. After a while the smoke was thick, the place stank and we couldn't stop coughing so we called it a night. Was well worth the effort though, this ham is amazing.

Where does mercury come from?
Hg wells!

Women usually sleep on the right side of the bed.
Even in their sleep, they have to be right.

Headline on BBC news : Professor David Nutt Sacked.
I'm not sure what nutt sacking is but it sounds painful!

Being unemployed does have its benefits!

There's no 'I' in 'Denial'

"BREAKING NEWS" :- Man drops plate.

I threw a biscuit at my neighbour the other day, but he ducked.
Jammy dodger.

This afternoon I am going to recreate famous scenes from "Raiders of the Lost Ark".
Right, who wants to get the ball rolling?

No.....no Google image search, i didn't mean "little girls funny lips"

The other day i was at a restaurant and a waiter challenged me to a rap battle
I got served

I over heard my old nan telling my mum that she wishes she could tumble dry.
So as a surprise when she got out of the bath I pushed her down the stairs.

Glue or sellotape?
I'll stick with glue thanks.

I saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons earlier.
Must be going through a tough period in her life.

I never ever put my wife down
I have a very weak jab

I had five loaves and two fish for tea.
It was a meal of biblical proportions.

I'm terrible at music - I thought a metronome was a midget on a Paris tube train.

My maths book is depressed.
It's full of problems.

I'm really fed up with my boring job on a battery production line,
but on the plus side..