My mate just beat me at Kerplunk...
That was the last straw.

Nescafe say they capture coffee at it's 'Brightest'. Don't get me wrong, but isn't coffee Black?

I came quite close to a serious car accident the other day...
The paramedics looked at me with disgust but I just powered through

BBC News : Nutt faces sack
Must have kicked him pretty hard to get them in to that shape

I asked Jonathan Ross what he thinks of all the snow we got this winter.
He said it's all white.

I've been bombarded by letters recently.
Ever since the explosion at the local Scrabble factory, in fact.

I'm inclined to be laid back.

I've recently hired a pair of etiquette consultants.
They complement each other nicely.

Spent my weekend on the internet, reading up on computer memory.
I was on a rampage.

I'm thinking of opening a violin shop in Kidderminster, just so I can call it Kiddy Fiddler.

I had this really weird dream last night, I saw the words "Arbeit Macht Frei".
I think it could be a sign.

My mates taking part in a spontaneous combustion contest.
I think he'll win, he's on fire at the moment.

I tried to start a business for broken planes but it never really took off.

I got my wife some trainers today.
One to teach her how to wash up properly,
and one to teach her how to iron properly.

Greggs have sold an astounding 1.5 million apple based pastry desserts this month alone.
What a turnover!

Got to work tonight at the museum moving suits of armour around for a new display. Not looking forward to it. Knight shift sucks.

I was watching an egg and spoon race today.
Nothing happened though, they just sat there and didn't move.

Neither of my daughters appreciate my gags.
Also the youngest is particularly fearful of the gimp mask.

As I'm indie, I hate rivers. They're too mainstream.

News Headline "British spy found stuffed in a bag"
James Bondage, perhaps?

Where would you find a giant snail?
On the end of his finger.

My Father's ashes are being delivered to me in the mail...
He'll be with us in a Jiffy.

I hired a guy to dig a Grand Canyon in my garden, and he did a 4 foot trench.
I asked "How is that Grand?"
He replied "That'll be a thousand quid please."

BBC News - Oil-Covered Dead Birds On Beach
Don't bother coming down boys, the headline is misleading.
I thought it sounded too good to be true, but i still came anyway.

I have just escaped from Brixton prison with two years still to do.
The problem with me is I just cant finish a sent...