Whenever I'm feeling blue, I start breathing again.

Well, back to the daily grind for me.
I work at a flour mill.

I walked into B & Q the other day and shouted at the top of my voice "I NEED SOMETHING TO HELP ME GET FROM MY GROUND FLOOR UPTO MY 1ST FLOOR"
You should've seen the stairs I got.

I got the sack at work today.
I asked a colleague if she had a stapler I could borrow.
I obviously misunderstood what she meant when she said,' Have a rummage through my drawers.'

They call me the sofa king.
Because I'm 'sofa-king' useless.

I asked my wife why she was wearing fishnet stockings. She said she wasn't.
"Well, it certainly smells like it," I replied.

My mate, who is a long distance lorry driver, has recently become very depressed.
I sometimes worry about him, all on his own on those lonely journeys.
Still, he's always got a hard shoulder to cry on.

My bread was in the toaster too long today and it got burnt, and I couldn't eat it...
I'm black toast intolerant.

I'm so happy, I think I've found the one.
It's right beside the two on my keyboard.

I don't drink alcohol for religious reasons.
I drink it for other reasons.

I was wondering why a coin I saw was floating in mid-air.
And then the penny dropped.

Sale on Baywatch Box-sets.
50% Hoff.

Someone offered me a cup of coffee in work and asked, "Do you take sugar?"
I said, "No...but I do sometimes steal those little packets of biscuits."

My computers Photoshop subscription ran out, so I had to draw a picture on my computer with Paint
Ruined the screen a bit

I once fingered my daughter to the police.
I think it was every breath you take.

I was stuck in traffic yesterday on the M6 and saw a sign "Roadworks Ahead- Delays possible until Feb 2010".
Fortunately I was only held up for 7 hours.

"Escape From Auschwitz"
Jew out soon.

I saw a rich tea biscuit orgy earlier;
The crumbshots were great

I went to a club full of all different races. Being a racist I was not amused, so apartheid all night.

Being in a low paid job, I've always been jealous of homeowners. So I bought a new fish to cheer me up...
Now I have a plaice to call my own.

I've just killed my only child and buried him in concrete, and now I'm going to sit and watch the son set with my wife.

I was coming out of Tesco with the kids, and this bloke came up to me rattling a bucket full of change.
"Down syndrome children, sir?" he said.
I thought thats a bit harsh, they get their looks from their mum.

It's allways annoyed me the way people in wheelchairs complain about being discriminated against all the time. It wouldn't be an issue if they just stood up for themselves.

What do you call a horse who can't afford a home?
Financially unstable.

Hollandaise is widely regarded as the Queen of Sauces.
It never reigns but it pours.