Mirror, Mirror on the wall.
I really should take that newspaper down and put some proper wallpaper up.

'How would you like it tonight, baby? Pink or brown?', said my girlfriend.
'Brown! Brown!', I replied, excitedly.
It was the toughest steak I've ever had.

A woman came up to me in a club and said "I heard that you were a limbo dancer?"
I said "Yeah I am"
She said "Come on then...How low can you go?"
I said "Well if I was desperate then I'd probably steal from a kid with cancer"

Two rival gangs took it in turns to graffiti my car the other day.
It was a write-off.

I told my girlfriend to wear a skirt to prevent camel toe showing.
Still a miracle we actually got the beast into her and through customs though.

If I ever found out I only had a week to live and could go anywhere in the world.
I think I'd go to the hospital, because it sounds serious.

I crashed my bike today.
On the plus side, I now have a handle bar moustache.

I've bought my wife a bullet proof vest.
It's made from plastic.
It proves bullets work.

I came home last night, kicked the front door in, knocked my wife's teeth out with one punch, then shat myself.
It was a Stella performance.

I bought a slinky yesterday.
That's when things started going downhill...

Hit the gym pretty hard this morning.
I really need to stop drink driving.

Apparently, there are reports in todays papers saying we're the most illiterate generation in 50 years.
But who knows, we could be reading that wrong

Sky News - "Thieves prepare to strike over Christmas"
Great I can leave all my windows and doors unlocked without worry now

I love surprising my wife.
Especially since her heart attack.

Finding imposition in the dictionary is next to impossible.

The problem with mythical creatures is they all want to be the centaur of attention.

I like my women like Jenga towers:
They go down when I pull out.

I am a team player - in fact, I am the single best team player in the country.

I've recently taken quite a shine to the polish

My wife wanted to know if it would be fine to give her baby a two-letter name. I told her to go for It.

Did you know it takes 40 pigs to make 3,000 sausages?
It's amazing what you can teach them

For some weird reason today, I had the urge to get a caricature done of me.
I was strangely drawn.

I've had this ringing in my ears for 3 hours and when I went to phone the doctors I noticed I had 96 missed calls.

I punched a plug socket today...
Fight the power.

If less is more, then isn't it more or less the same?