I was voted most arrogant kid at my school.
Well I guess that's just something else I'm top in.

And ruins it when you read it properly?
Anyone else hate it when you accidentally read the punchline of a joke

Went scuba diving the other day, I went deeper and deeper.
Until I saw a most magnificent sight. A beautiful mermaid, probably the most gorgeous creature Id ever laid eyes on.
I thought of asking her on a date but I took one look at my pressure gauge and realised.
She was way out of my league ...

I was going to give my girlfriend a watch that I've bought her.
But it wasn't the right time.

Fox can be so 20th Century.

I had a Cluedo style rampage last night.
I smacked my son , with a spanner , in his bedroom , for playing Professor Green .

BBC News: Police urgently seek missing pair?
Why don't they just grow some like the rest of us?

I cut my head open last week.
I've been expelled now.

I asked my friend to describe his mate. He said "You know, white, moustache, about 6 foot 3."
Big moustache.

I'm making a list of all the things that I ought to do before I die. It's call my 'oughtobiography'.

My sister has been engaged to a footballer for over ten years.
Come on Diego, marry Donna.

From a New Zealand news website -
"An American horse whisperer has posted a NZ$1000 reward for a conviction in the attack on a horse last weekend"
Why doesn't he save himself a thousand bucks and just ask the Horse who did it?

My mate is forever 'getting hold of the wrong end of the stick', which wouldn't be too bad usually, except he works on a sewage farm

My mate's just moved in with his girlfriend.
How rude - I didn't even invite them.

I woke up this morning with an erection that hasn't gone away since.
It's been a hard day.

They told Farrah Fawcett to take up golf.
Because one bad hole won't kill you.

Whilst horrifically raping one of my students, I marked her down from an A to a B.
It was degrading.

I used to be a sheet metal worker.
To be honest, i'm not that good at my new job either.

I'd just set up the snooker table with my mate, as I chalked up my cue he looked at me and said, "Wanna break?".
I thought, "Of course not, we haven't even started yet."

My wife said that I need help with my drinking.
She obviously hasn't observed me properly - I'm pretty good at it.

"Dr Jekyll, you can run but you can't ......... er, ok .. forget it".

Just finished my last exam at school. It was Philosophy.
Or was it?

Last time I was in Rome, I went to see the Spanish Steps.
Worst tribute band ever.

I lost my wife to quicksand. Took a while to sink in.

I recently lost my job as a Judge, due to never turning up at work.
To be fair, I wasn't trying.