I told my mate I was taking a girl on an Italian holiday.
He asked, "Genoa?"
I said, "Of course I do, I wouldn't go on holiday with a stranger."

A builder threw a handful of cement at my face....
I was rendered speechless.

My son was complaining about his mathematics teacher setting his homework in invisible ink.
I couldn't see what the problem was.

Inflation has gone up yet again.
30p to do all my car tyres now.

There's a fine line between my rolled up 10 note and the coffee table.

I saw a sign that said ''Stay away from Cliff edge.''
I've never met him but he sounds horrible.

I was sitting in the dentists.chair today. "Open up for me please" he said. So I told him I was abused as a child, my dad was an alcoholic........

In an attempt to self medicate, I've just drunk some window cleaner.
I've got this sort of dull pane.

I dont know what animal the Sham is.
But its poo has done wonders for my hair

Maddie's Kidnapper.
Taking the 'gal' out of 'Portugal'.

Top tip for Muslim suicide bombers:
Practice makes Perfect..,,,

I want to put up some kind of barrier between me and the neighbours, but don't want to cause a fence.

I've decided to move to Saudi Arabia to open a bar that sells only milk sheikh's

Force feeding pig meat to Muslims:
It puts the ham in Mohammed.

I watched these two dwarf guys start throwing punches at each other in the car park today.
It was probably the shortest fight I had ever seen.

I can still remember the first time I saw the movie The Terminator. A few friends and I went along to the local cinema, which was packed out as it was the opening night, and we managed to get some seats together.
About halfway through the film I got up to have a slash and, when I came back, I had no idea where my seat was.
I was about to start hunting around in the dark when a voice rang out giving me clear directions back to where I and my friends were. It said, "Aisle B - back."

North Korea 'fires more missiles' : What a tragedy that the recession is even affecting the employment of missiles.

I was at the hospital this morning giving blood.
Met this really nice girl but she wasn't my type.

I used to be in a band called Amoeba, but we split.

just seen someone's facebook status...... "Thinks her birthday period could b messy"
bit too much information love....

Just about to watch Momento. It was great.

I really get on with my local tailors.
They suit me.

The Financial Services Authority has said it's to "clamp down on mis-selling."
I really think they should sort out their own spelling before trying to correct other people's.

Man walks into a bakers in Dundee.
'Excuse me, is that a macaroon or a meringue?'
'No, you're right sir - its a macaroon'

Did a GCSE in honey making.
Got a B in it