Greenfly have been at my tomatoes again.
It amazes me how they get the fridge door open.

My cat ate a ball of wool the other day....
It went on to have mittens.

I had some prawns the other day that disagreed with me.
To be honest, I really shouldn't have been talking to them anyway.

I went for a meeting at the T-Mobile head office yesterday.
Unsurprisingly, it had no reception.

Did you hear about the hyena who ate an oxo cube?
He made a laughing stock of himself.

I noticed our local library didn't have a single fire extinguisher anywhere.
Which is mental considering they had several books on fire.

I suppose I am a sore loser.
I lost trying to fend off a rapist.

I was just driving past Glasgow when I saw a sign saying 'Steel Works'.
Course it does, we've been using it for 4000 years.
Stupid Jocks.

I think I've just created antimatter.
But now I don't really feel it's important.

Someone told me if you smack a fish before frying it, the meat will taste fresher.
What a load of codswallop.

What do you call a woman who drives an ambulance?
Nina.

I can't sleep much lately. I have to lie on the edge of the bed, that way I soon drop off.

Just got to work and it turns out it's Jeans for Genes day. There's posters of disabled children all around the office.
Can't believe it, I've come in my trousers.

I read an excellent article about a new film on ways of making cars more aerodynamic. I warn you though, it contains spoilers.

I was in the library when my mate sent me the funniest joke by text.
So I replied, 'los'

The wife says I should stop inserting Bruce Willis films into sentences
Old habits die hard.

There's now an AA for midget alcoholics.
It's called aa.

BBC News : Boss 'took escorts to meetings'
You would have thought he would be able to afford better cars, being the boss.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

"Sherlock Holmes, from which schools are you getting these young children to have your wicked way with?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson".

Can someone tell me where you get a 1080p TV from? Even in Aldi they are more than double that round here.

Why are doctors sometimes referred to as HeBas?
Because if they can't Helium, they have to Barium

I can agree with limited edition on the unreliability of Bonnie Tyler's eBay items.
I bought her Sat Nav and it just keep telling me to "turn around, bright eyes".

I went to a restaurant, and really could have eaten a horse.
But I stopped after the mane.

They say you should find a girl who's 1/1000000, I'd much rather wait for one who's at least 7/10 though...