My daughter has just had her 21st.
A bit of a slag if you ask me, she's only twelve.

My grandfather was shrewd. People threw small mammals at him 'till he suffocated.

There was a break-in at the Dublin hall of mirrors last night.
So far, Irish police have arrested 15 midgets and a 7ft anorexic woman.

Great, it's Thursday and my mother-in-law's cooking tonight.
She's being cremated.

I'm a big fan of Scouting for girls.
Or "Internet grooming" as most people call it.

I went down on my girlfriend and I got a mouth full of blood instead of chocolate....
So much for her Minstrel cycle.

Apparently Barack Obama is going to Camp David for Christmas.
Is that a place or a person?

I caught my wife with the plumber,
So I told her: "It's over Flo"

I've just seen a picture of Alan Carr with his face in a chocolate cake.
It would appear the poof is in the pudding.

I'm not a suspicious person, but my 17 year old son has just told me he's going to Bangkok for his holiday.
If thats the case, then why does he have coach tickets to Brighton?

Not
that's not spelled right

rap is like scissors , it always loses to rock .

Packing for my holiday tomorrow:
Shirts - check
t-shirts - check
shorts - check
socks - check
I really should diversify my wardrobe.

I'm fed-up of people saying that I have a Jewish persons nose.
I'm never showing anyone my war memorabilia again.

It was announced today that scientists from Dorset have been planning and building their own version of the particle collider at Cern. Due to start the experiments in November, they already have the string and are just waiting for the conkers to come into season.

My wife said she really wanted to lose a stone.
So I sold her wedding ring.

I felt a bit weird when I stopped round my friend's house and he told me to sleep in the camp bed.
I'm not too sure about pink silk sheets and rose petals on the pillow.

I've finally got a date for my wedding.
Hope my bride is up for a threesome.

As a male biologist, I refuse to work with women. They keep faking organisms.

Last time I did a vault, I ripped my leotard.
The rest of the gang don't think I'm cut out for bank robbery.

I'm so well known at my local Caffeine Addicts Anonymous.
They've got me down to a tea.

My mate Jamal offered to make me eggs.
"Depends" I said, "Scrambled?"
"Poached", he replied.
"I asked how you were making them, not how you acquired them."

I stayed in a hotel across the road from an abattoir once.
My view was offal... just offal.

I made some Indian wine earlier.
I stole his naan bread.

Sky News:
"Five arrested over hit and run death of boy"
Those lads just can't keep out of trouble at the moment.