My girlfriend is still hung up over her ex.
I'm hoping the police will think she stabbed him to death before committing suicide.

I was hanging out at the gym earlier with a couple of friends.
I knew I should have bought bigger shorts.

Millipedes are like, 10 times better than centipedes.

I am going to make some felt pens.
Does anyone have any tips?

The wife drove me to madness
Which was good of her as the gig was a fair drive away

Heavy metal.
Peter Harvey is a fan.

My girlfriend keeps asking me to put a ring on her finger.
Funny that, because I want to to put her ring on my finger.

The local vasectomy clinic are having a summer party , their holding a ball.

I really like vagueness and also those other things.

Secret admirer - Stalker with stationery.

A sign on the wall at work today read:
People with Authority to key cabinet:
Ashley
Brian
David
Paul
Sandra
Wendy
People with NO authority:
Ahmed
Jon ( thats me)
Mohammed
Sunita
Wilson
Winston
I could not believe i had been Black listed!

Statistically every 5/3 jokes either has speling or mathematical mistakes in it.

I met a chick in Kiev...

My girlfriend and I have been going through an A-Z of Greek Islands to decide where to go on our holidays.
In desperation we eventually chose Zakynthos, It was the last resort.

Me and my mates have just formed a band and we've called ourselves Man Utd Rapists.
It won't be long before we start doing Giggs.

Had a threesome with a Chinese girl & her twin.
I wasn't going to, but one Ting led to another..

I wrote a book on razor sharp knives yesterday.
Which was pretty stupid because my chair was perfectly fine.

I was playing frisby in the garden with my son when he shouted "catch it!"
I laughed "Don't worry son I am a master at this"
"No dad! you have just stepped in some"

I think I have an obsession with black people but I can't say Fo' Sho'.

There are many sites devoted to metal drain covers, but please do be careful when Googling "manholes" at work.

I'm Dave the pervert and climbing up 7 story buildings to watch women change through their window is my idea.

My mate's upset, having been sacked from the nuclear power plant.
He reacted badly.

I just got 25 kills and no deaths with my ump-45 and my desert eagle. did i get a tactical nuke?
no i got arrested.

I went for anger management therapy the other day and met a guy in the waiting room. I asked him what he was there for.
He said, "Anger management."
I said, "Snap!"
So he punched me.

Why did Santa say "Ho, ho, ho!"?
He saw your mum, wife, and daughter in the same room.