I discovered an oddly shaped balloon today , inflated and on a string, but it was the most odd shaped balloon i've ever seen, so i rang the local newspaper, twenty minutes later all the media turned up , sky news , BBC news , to be honest it was just blown out of proportion

I'm in love with a philosophy major and she doesn't even know I exist.
And what's worse is that she can prove it.

Tense nervous headache?
Nothing acts faster than Anadin.
So take nothing.

My mate Dean is leaving for America after seeing a job advert for a college headmaster.
He said it had his name all over it.

This man was about to throw dough, cheese and tomatoes at me.
I said, "You wanna pizza me?"

Apparently Santa's main elf has quit and set up his own toy business right next to Santa's after a huge row.
He's a rebel without a Claus.

I bought a couple of things from a second-hand record shop.
I'm now officially the 1979 world's fattest man and the tallest person in 1984.

I've been made president of the Erection Club.
I think it's because I'm the longest standing member.

I was walking through the park after midnight, when somebody started following me. I walked a bit faster, but they kept up the pace.
The person kept following me until finally, I stopped and turned around to see who it was. To my surprise, it was my secondary school maths teacher.
I said, "Look, I don't want any problems".

Has anyone else thought of going up to girl in a bar and saying, "Get your rat out love"
Don't bother.

Looks like I could meet my maker tomorrow...
I might pop round my dad's.

My wife is very easy on The Eye.
There's something about looking over London in a big Ferris wheel that really turns her on.

I went to get my palm read the other day, but as I was sitting down at the table I managed to knock over her crystal ball.
Ended up costing me a fortune.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Blind.

They say that laughter is the best medicine. If that's true, does watching Lenny Henry give you cancer?

I can't remember ever getting nits as a kid, although I do have a lousy memory.

My wife's making jams today.
She's gone out driving.

Why was the cold tap turned on?
Because the other tap was so hot!

I was looking at my coat of arms today and I thought to myself, "I really need to stop amputating people."

Went house-hunting the other day.
Only managed to kill a bungalow, though.

Two men in a kayak, both are feeling quite cold so they decide to make a small fire to keep themselves warm.
Within minutes the kayak has a huge hole in it and sinks to the bottom of the lake.
Which proves that you cant have your kayak and heat it.

I was very sick last night after eating a dodgy chocolate bar.
But that's off Topic...

Can't stand lying down.

dijon vu - the same mustard as before

I'm out of work at the moment so on Monday I sat around and watched neighbors.
On tuesday I sat and watched neighbors again.
On Wednesday the Police came and took away my binoculars and night vision goggles.