I went on a date with a stock broker last night.
I could tell she fancied me straight away.
She kept playing FTSE.

I like the element of surprise! Thats why i shat in your kettle!

I did a tandem sky dive yesterday.
I was on the front seat doing the steering and pedalling, while my mate on the back seat opened the parachute.

I got a call from the hospital today, they said my girlfriend had an accident...
I replied "Not really shocked, mate. I've been expecting it for 9 months."

There are two things at life that I've failed at; producing computer software, and fishing. I just can't make a network.

My brother was injured while attacking an armoured unit in the Gulf War.
His PlayStation blew up.

My affair with the Maths teacher has reached a new level since her husband died.
It's so much easier now he's out of the equation.

Yesterday I said that my washing powder was the best in the world.
It was a Bold statement.

The doctor told me that I have developed facial leprosy and that I would probably lose my sight.
I cried my eyes out.

I had a race with my friend the other day. I beat him.
It made winning the race a lot easier.

So if you've been very naughty this year Santa will leave coal in your stocking?
As long as it's Cheryl I have no regrets about blowing up that convent.

I spilt tea all over some of the cards from the Monopoly game, just as it was my turn.
I have ruined my Chances.

I was shocked when my mate gave me an erection on Christmas day.
He stole it off some dead bloke at the morgue.

A bird shat on my head the other day.
That's when I realised my new girlfriend was too kinky for me.

I saw my mate floating about 8 feet off the ground earlier, he didn't seem the slightest bit bothered,
obviously didn't understand the gravity of the situation..

My neighbour knocked on my door last night.
I thought it would be funny to open the door with an erection.
But after a minute or so I thought to myself, "No, I can't do it".
So I just opened it with my hand.

My plan to claim unemployment benefit is not working.

Due to rising petrol prices, Volkswagen have released a hydrogen vehicle, the VW Hindenburg. The market is expecting a boom.

My Jamaican friend was very unhappy when I told him about the "shootings". He'd much rather walk barefoot.

All 3/4 pants 25% off!
Well otherwise they would just be pants, wouldn't they?

I don't know what the employees of Apple are so smug about.
Soon they'll all be looking for new Jobs.

I just can't understand some people.... Foreigners mainly.

I'm having trouble accessing the Glade website.
It keeps telling me to get some sort of plug-in.

I don't mean to alarm anyone, but....
NEE NAW NEE NAW.

After hours of intensive cross examination I reached a conclusion.
It was definitely a crucifix.