What's a necrophile's favourite band?
Coldplay.

BBC News - "Greece not looking for bailout". Good...
...I don't want my taxes spent on a musical that's clearly had its day.

I was going to make a joke and jump on the whole Raoul bandwagon,
but I wasn't moativated

I love my fingers...
...I always know i can count on them.

Was skidding all over the place today.....
Should've probably wiped more than once!

The other day I drove past a group of AC Milan fans.
Then I came to the Intersection

I almost died today when a box full of old photos fell on me from the top shelf.
My whole life flashed before my eyes.

Knickers aren't the best thing in the world.
But they are next to the best thing in the world.

I've lost the plot,
I keep ripping out pages from my novel.

"Over 90 Killed in Turkey Earthquake"
Well at least he had lived a long life.

My wife told me she is going to leave me because I'm emotionless.
K.

I was tapping some quavers on the piano earlier and I thought, "I wish I'd have bought Monster Munch instead."

At school I used to play the triangle.
Our school plays weren't very good.

Wouldn't it have been funny, if Whoopi Goldberg had married Peter Cushing?

As a practical joke at work, I was covered in Tip-Ex and my chair had been stolen. I accused my boss but it wasn't him.
I stand corrected.

So, Shania Twain has the perfect face?
That don't impress me much.

Flies spread disease.
So keep yours zipped up.

I don't know why the word "purposeless" is in the English language.
My dictionary says it has no meaning.

I walked up to this woman and said, "Diane."
She replied, "My name's Ann."
I said, "I know, I just don't like you very much."

My son isn't going to school today because of the striking
We're going to let his bruises fade a bit first

5 star hotel room with king size bed.
'Check'
Champagne on ice for two.
'Check'
Gorgeous woman to complete the evening...
Made me pay in cash.

According to published reports, immediately following the Tsunami in January of 2005, all of the sharks in the Indian Ocean came down with a terrible case of diarrhoea.
You try eating Thai for a whole week!

Got fingered by two kids today for a change.
Pity it was in a police lineup.

Every week I donate my sperm to the bank.
I'm not sure whether the cashier appreciates it though.

Our fuse box blew yesterday so my missus waited in for the guy to come and fix it.
Its all working now she said, when she phoned me. Ian did great job.
Ian? I said His names Jim.
Well thats funny, she replied, it said ELECTRIC IAN on his van.