What do you call a panda deep in thought?
A ponda.

"Look right before exiting Station"
So after topping up with petrol, I got out, tucked my shirt in and combed my hair.

Anyone want to buy two tickets for the Spandau Ballet comeback tour?
I bought them as a surprise for the wife when she said she loved 80's cheese.
Turned out she's been sucking off my grandad.

Is it just me or are there other synonyms for myself?

I was in a lift when this guy came in and bet me 10 that I didn't know how to operate it.
So I took him up on it.

Statistically, 3.141592 in every onion forms an opinion.

I've deserted my wife.
I threw a pudding in her face.

Sky News: Bodies found dumped in skips.
I usually get through five packets a day and I haven't found anything suspicious so far.

I've created a new energy saving lightbulb.
It doesn't use less electricity, it's just easier to put in.

'You are what you eat.'
I hope not, I've just ordered an Indian.

Sky News: Hole found in Manchester United changing rooms at Wembley Stadium
Seems like their glory days are over

I'm always breaking into song...
I can never find the right key

1234: The year the Thumb War started.

Me and my mate were queueing up to get into a nightclub. As we stood at the back of the line he said "I can't wait to get in there."
So he went home.

If you're havin' face spasms I feel bad for you son.
I've got 99 problems but a twitch ain't one.

My - jokes jokes jokes jokes - Time
Yeah, I've written some jokes in my time.

When a girl cancels a date, she cancels because she has to.
When a boy cancels a date, he cancels because he has two.

I just heard about that school on the Isle of Sheppy where kids were sitting an exam and the roof collapsed, seriously injuring 4 pupils.
I was absolutely astonished.
They have schools on the Isle of Sheppy??
EDIT: To Yanks voting this down because they don't get it, just replace "Isle of Sheppy" with AMERICA

At the moment my fellow actors and I keep falling through the theatre floor.
I guess its just a stage we all go through.

I was surprised to find there were only 39 playing cards in the pack I recently purchased from a market in Brixton.
Presumably, the spades have stolen the diamonds.

When I saw Kanye interrupt Taylor Swift at the VMA's I thought to myself,
"That's Ludacris!"

Unemployment!.......it's just not working!!

I've just seen a article on how to help your dog after it has had a stroke
...I didnt bother reading it, I stroke my dog all the time and it doesn't need any help.

Seen the latest Bollywood Blockbuster?
Lethal Injection 2....

I lied to my friends and told them I'd created a life-size replica of Jackie Chan entirely out of old silk ties.
It's a complete fabric Asian.