My wife insists that I make the bed every morning.
I don't mind, but I do wonder who keeps dismantling it every night.

Canada: Driver Kills Two Women After Smoking Marajuana
So, killing two birds with one stoner.

Today I got lost in a house of mirrors, it gave me a lot of time to reflect.

I bought three pink tents.
Some may see that as a little camp.

Everyone's fire resistant to a degree.

People who jump queue are out of line.

I have just opened up a Facebook account, which I have called 'No One'.
Now, whenever I send someone a friend request, they read 'No One wants to be your friend' on their screen.
And people wonder why the human race has such simple pleasures.

The days of the digital watch are numbered.

I've got a cement fetish.
It gets me hard.

I'm a beast at metaphors.

I walked in on The Rock doing drugs
Eventually I was able to convince him to lay the smackdown

I'm a chair at the local school along with a few other parents
These cuts have gone too far.

Anti psychotic drugs accidentally put into packets of Nurofen Plus!
Explains why I still have a headache, but haven't killed anyone today!

The worst part of a photographic memory?
Keeping all the negatives.

After a Bukkake I like to thank everyone for coming.

So you don't actually want me to explain to you the meaning of the word masturbation?
Ok. Please yourself.

My mate asked me, "Are you free next week to look after my company if I go on holiday?"
I said, "Mind your own business".

Woke up this morning feeling slightly warmed up, with this weird imprint all over me. I just lay there as I was soaked in syrup and sprinkled with sugar....
I'm sorry, listen to me just waffling on.

I went to Australia but there were no flying monkeys, tin-men, talking lions or a yellow brick road.
They may as well have made the whole thing up.

Just paid a fortune to have my house painted. It would have been cheaper to take a photograph.

My ex girlfriend text to say that she'd made a voodoo doll of me.
I think she's pulling my leg.

Tonight I saw a sign that said, 'Smoking kills'.
I thought, 'Wow, a talking sign.'

I've found a great way to last longer in bed...
...don't set your alarm clock.

I've never been on a date before.
But I did once come in a watermelon.

Honestly Leeds, I've seen better crosses in a mosque.