My mate recently asked me if i wanted to expand my current business of safe nature habitats for animals into something more profitable.
I told him i wasn't sure of his business plans, i had my reservations.

As I lay in bed with Pope Benedict last night he was telling me what a beautiful child he thinks I am and how how much he loves me.
I was really touched.

I took a holiday to see the Brazilian rain forest before it disappears.
All that's left is a thin strip down the middle.

I took a holiday to see the Brazilian rain forest before it disappears.
All that's left is a thin strip down the middle.

I love my new job as a lolly-pop man.
Kids keep coming up and licking me.

What do you call it when genetically modified apples are fermented?
Genocider.

SKY NEWS: Prince William wants frontline duty.
He says he likes treating cats and dogs with fleas.

BBC NEWS: "French police break key strike blockade near Paris"
Well stopping keys is a start i suppose but they should really focus on people...

Disneyland! Jobs available. Positions available in the "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves" tourist shop due to short staff.

If fathering a mong is wrong then I don't want to be Dwight.

Running marathons is no jog in the park, but there are methods and practices that can help you in the long run.

My wife's been using that new voice recognition software to send me some sweet Emails.
Dragon: Natrelly speaking.

Just heard a gripping story about rock climbing.

The Salem witch trials...
They were trying times.

I bought some RAC breakdown cover today.
Quite handy if I ever lose my head and go mental.

Just got a random text that read "You still got it?". So I looked in the mirror, pointed at my reflection and gave myself a sly nod.
I then realised the message was probably about the car I'm selling.

thats the last time i take the kids to lego land.......... every where we tried to go was blocked.

Girl Flashed by Scotsman :- "Oh that's gruesome"
Scotsman - "Gi' it a touch love an' it'll gruesome more"

Me and my wife were just about to leave the house to meet some friends for lunch, when I noticed that she hadn't put on any make-up.
"Why haven't you put any make-up on?" I asked.
"I don't need make-up to make me look beautiful," she replied with a smile.
"Well that's a bare faced lie," I thought to myself.

My friend Ian told me he favours one leg to the other.
I said "You've got Olympian"

High Definition:
Available now in all dictionaries.

I excel at saying 39 in Roman numerals.

I just asked my mate what illness Strepsil was for.
"For cough," he said.
"No need to be rude, it's just a simple question!" I replied.

Immigration is a very contentious issue, and opinions vary on its benefits. According to one poll recently,
"Eez great, I 'ave a job az a plumber."

Nicki Minaj sings about a stupid hoe.
A bad gardener always blames their tools.