I met a girl the other week who said she likes to take charge in the bedroom.
So I tasered her.

Dear me, I should really stop writing letters to myself...

Do I really need to tell you the first rule of rhetorical question club?

I went to a Chinese restaurant and ordered a meal. Ten minutes later this duck waddles up to me,gives me a single red rose and says, "Your lips are like rubies and your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I called the waiter over and said "Excuse me. I ordered aromatic duck".

This necrophiliac got himself a new girlfriend.
However he was in doubt whether he cadaver or not.

I have a black friend who cleans out my ears when he comes round
He is my cotton bud

I've been driving in my car. And I thought:
This is Madness.

At a theatre audition, a little girl had had nine attempts to conceal her lisp, leaving just one left.
It was a tenth situation.

My wife has just delivered twin boys and let me name them.
From her reaction, I'm guessing Pete and Repeat wasn't the best choice.

I just got asked if I wanted to invest in a business selling raisins.
I said, "Fine, take it from my current account."

Just paid a fortune to have my house painted. It would have been cheaper to take a photograph.

My ex girlfriend text to say that she'd made a voodoo doll of me.
I think she's pulling my leg.

Tonight I saw a sign that said, 'Smoking kills'.
I thought, 'Wow, a talking sign.'

I've found a great way to last longer in bed...
...don't set your alarm clock.

I've never been on a date before.
But I did once come in a watermelon.

Honestly Leeds, I've seen better crosses in a mosque.

On a trip to America I called into a book store.
I asked, "How much for this book love?"
She said, "That's five bucks."
I said, "No, it's just one."

Beards: They grow on you!

I think it's an absolute disgrace that some chavs threw bleach over a woman in a cinema recently.
She could have dyed.

Why was Lady Gaga at the MOBO awards if she's White?
Or is it now "Music of Bloke Origin?"

I don't approve of my girlfriend's one night stand.
Why should she be the only one with somewhere to put a bedside lamp.

My vet keeps putting down my pets.
He tells them they're fat.

I love my job as a genetic engineer, just this week I spliced together a llama and a giraffe.
For a laugh.

We were preparing for a party the other day and my wife asked me to put together a mixture of different alcohols and fruit juices. However, I wish she'd actually said that, instead of 'I'd like a good punch'.

I've finally come to terms with my hideous deformity.
She's agreed to a divorce.